Page 56 of One Bed for the Bluestocking
She did not look at him as he delivered this speech, and the distant quality in her eyes made him wonder if she was even listening.But as he concluded, she blinked, and her vision suddenly cleared.“Oh!I suppose I forgot to mention my dowry.”
He cocked his head.“You have a dowry?I thought your father was penniless.”
She nodded.“He is, but once my sister Eleanor married the Duke of Norwood, he was kind enough to grant dowries to us as her sisters.”She smiled up at him.“Thanks to Jasper, I have twenty thousand pounds to my name.”
Nathaniel gaped at her.Twenty thousand pounds was a colossal sum.They could live comfortably—verycomfortably—for the rest of their lives on the interest it would generate.It was unequivocally wonderful news.
So why was Nat’s heart plummeting like one of the eagles going into a dive?Did he not want Kate to be taken care of always, no matter what the future held?
He found that he did.In fact, he liked the idea of Kate having the money tucked in the bank for a rainy day.Or the thought of it being left in a trust for their children.
What made his skin crawl was the thought of being a layabout who lived off the largesse of his wife.That was simply not who he was.Why, people might even say that he had only married Kate because of her fortune, which was an insult to both of them!
He wanted to work, to be a productive member of society.He had not realized how important this was to him until this other path had unexpectedly opened before him.Of course, many a wealthy man pursued their studies on the side, as gentleman dilettantes.Some of them performed excellent research and achieved important results.Could he not do the same?
He found that the mere thought filled him with shame.He had always assumed that he would work and support his family.Even if it was not a matter of financial necessity, he found that he wanted to be an entry in the plus side of the ledger, not a drain on the family finances.Perhaps it was a vanity on his part.But he knew he would be much happier in the long term if he was chosen for the Natural History Chair.Not only would he have the satisfaction of knowing that he was doing his part to support his family, but receiving such an appointment would be the ultimate form of validation.It would be proof that his research was of the first rate, and a vindication of his decision to leave the medical school and pursue a career in the sciences.
And he was only asking Kate to maintain her disguise for a few short weeks.What were a few weeks in the grand scheme of things?
“That is wonderful news,” he said to Kate.“But it is still crucial that I do everything within my power to secure the Natural History Chair.My intentions have not changed.I still fully intend to marry you.I just need to do this first.You don’t mind waiting a few weeks, do you, darling?”
Kate smiled.It was a bright smile.Arguably a little too bright, as if she had forced her lips into the position.Kate’s smile was normally soft.And he couldn’t help but notice that she was looking at his chin, rather than his eyes.“Of course not.”
He frowned.“You’re sure you don’t mind?”
“Not at all!”she said to his chin.“I understand the importance a man attaches to his career.”She laughed, a chipper sound that sounded nothing like her usual self.“Believe me, no one understands that better than me.”
Now he was truly growing concerned.“Are you upset?”
“Of course not.I’ve told you that I’m not.Why would you think such a thing?”
He brought his hands up to caress her shoulders.“I’m sorry.I just… I’ve been worried that you might be upset about it.That you might think I am trying to back out of marrying you.Nothing could be farther from the truth.I wish I could marry you this instant.It will be agony to wait even a few short weeks.But it will give me the best chance of attaining the goal I have been striving toward for all my adult life.”
She finally looked at him.“I do know that.And I’m not mad.Truly.Your reasoning makes sense, and as you say, it will only be a few weeks.”She rose from his lap.“I don’t know about you, but I’m tired from the voyage.Come, let’s get some sleep.”
Nat felt uneasy as he took Kate’s hand and allowed her to lead him to the bed.He had a feeling that there was more going on behind Kate’s quiet eyes than she was letting on.And yet, she had told him that she understood.Was it not insulting to badger her about it, rather than taking her at her word?Besides, it was natural to feel a pang of disappointment upon learning that their wedding would be delayed.He certainly felt that way himself.But perhaps that was all it was—a momentary pang.
He climbed into bed next to Kate and took her in his arms.She curled up against him, her head resting on his shoulder, just as she had done for the last two weeks.
Everything was fine.He was just thinking about it overly hard, likely because he had spent most of the day fretting over Kate’s reaction.
Reassured, he drifted off to sleep.
Nat’s breath soon became smooth and even.
But Kate lay beside him, unable to silence the thoughts whirring about her head.
She should have known.Really, she had known all along, but she had been so thoroughly lulled into contentment during those weeks alone with Nat, she had allowed herself to forget.If there was one thing she had learned from her father, it was that a man’s career always came first, before his daughters, and always,always, before his wife.She knew this to be true!
Why, then, did Nat’s proclamation that she needed to wait, to maintain her disguise so he could chase after the Natural History Professorship, sting so sharply?He still intended to marry her.She didn’t doubt that.
But it was a stark reminder that he did not feel the same way she did.Kate would have given up her career as a scientific illustrator in a heartbeat had she been forced to choose between it and Nat.But for him, it was apparently the other way around.
She had to acknowledge that she was disappointed.And she felt like a fool for feeling disappointed!She could see the logic of his suggestion.And it wasn’t as if she wanted him to give up on his dream.She truly wanted him to have it all.
She knew her reaction was somewhat unreasonable.Yet, try as she might, she was not having any luck in talking herself out of her feelings.It seemed that, like it or not, her disappointment was here to stay.
Staring up at the dark ceiling, Kate settled in for a long, lonely night.
