Page 75 of Ezra
“I don’t care what’s wise and what’s not,” I reply, driving on while I’m still feeling brave. “I want to spend time with you. I want to talk to you and text you and send you funny pictures of Charlie and puppies and things that make me laugh. I want to hear your opinions on things that matter to you. I want to know how your day is going. And I want to see you. If you don’t want to?—”
“I didn’t say I didn’t want to,” Ezra interjects, gazing at me softly. “I’m just concerned it’s a big risk. Feelings could get hurt. I don’t want to be the cause of that.”
Those vibrant white eyes say it all.I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want tobehurt.
But I cling to my stubbornness like a lifeline. “You said we were friends before.”
“I did. We are. But with you, I’m not sure I can keep that separate.”
“Neither can I. Because you’re too good a man to bejust friendswith. You’re too interesting,” I tell him, slipping my hands into the back pockets of my pants. “Because you make me think, and you don’t tell me what I want to hear. You’re intelligent. You’re beyond reproach. You’re every woman’s dream. It’s literally unreal. And...”
“Kat,” Ezra says. It seems to me his white eyes flash brightly when they rest upon me. Maybe he’s enjoying me making a fool out of myself.
“It’s not enough, saying things like that, right?” I’m flustered, and I know I sound like an idiot, but we’re past that point. “You want to hear more? Because I can keep going for days. I miss talking with you. I think you’re sexy. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you that night when you and I—you know. And the kiss you surprised me with the other night—I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind.”
I pride myself on my honesty, and this is by far the most honest I’ve ever been. With him. With myself. “I wish you would’ve stayed the other night. I wish there was something I could’ve said or done to make youwantto stay,” I say. “I like what you do, how you act, what you stand for. I got so used to having you around, Ireallynoticed when you were gone. And then when you showed up the other night at my place, it was like something out of a fantasy for me. And call me crazy, but nobody kisses like that if they don’t mean it.”
“Of course I meant it. I can hardly stay away from you as it is,” Ezra says softly. “I was worried at first, but then seeing you there, I...” He flexes a fist, looking as though he’s searching for the words. “I lost control.”
My heart flutters when he speaks words I’ve hoped to hear. “Maybe this is new territory for both of us. But I’m not ready to say goodbye to you forever.”
Ezra’s gaze bores through me as he stands silent. He sighs and looks away from me a moment, and each second feels like an eternity passing by. “I don’t want to say goodbye either. But I—I don’t see where this can go. With the nature of my job and the career you want...”
Having never really put myself out there like this, I wasn’t expecting how rejection might feel. I’m embarrassed. Of course he’s approaching this logically. Why would any man stateside go for someone like me when I’m not going to stick around? My courage falters.
“I understand. I’m sorry to have wasted your time again.” I turn on my heel and begin to walk away, but his hand closes around my arm, and he gently pulls me back.
“Would you stop saying that?” Ezra says, exasperated. “Don’t leave like this. Please understand. You telling me these things, it means more to me than you could possibly know.”
My throat feels tight. “But,” I finish for him.
“Kat—”
“It’s okay.” I keep my head held high, barely holding the façade together. “Really. I understand. You know where to find me if you change your mind.” I walk away, keeping my shoulders square, doing my best to appear calm. I’m retreating, not fleeing.
Ezra calls from behind me, “Katrina!”
I don’t let myself look back as I make my way back to my car. Once in the driver’s seat, I finally let myself exhale, and all the tension leaves my body. It takes me a little while to understand and process his hesitation. That’s when I realize there’s a thousand reasons for him to keep his distance from me, and I, him. They all make sense. Logical. Reasonable. Rational.
I didn’t want to talk to him for those things. Anyone could say there’s a thousand reasonsnotto be with someone. Especially human beings. We’re flawed, we’re stubborn. But if the connection is there, don’t people make it work? Even if the entire world is against them? What’s the point of all those damn books I used to read if there’s no mirror, no matter how faint, to reality?
I’ll respect his wishes. I’ll stay away. I won’t call unless I need him—no. I don’t think I can even handle that. Not in my current state. I delete his number from my phone so I won’t have the temptation of making myself look foolish again. Then I activate autopilot in my vehicle and direct it to take me home.
Trying to make sense of why my hopes are dashed when I’m not entirely sure what I even wanted, I make my peace with the fact that I shot my shot. I never want to go through life wondering if things could be different, or worse, regret a choice I didn’t make. That’s what matters. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself as I drive home.
Whatever he wants, I hope he finds it. With a slow exhale, I accept my disappointment, allow myself to be disheartened. With the same breath, I hope Ezra finds happiness with the right person.
Even if it isn’t with me.
“Lights on,” I say. The lights in my entryway come on first, the rest swiftly following.
“Surprise!” my parents shout at the same time. My mother rises from the couch, while my father remains seated with a weary smile.
I jump backward, clutching my chest. “Holy shit, you scared the hell out of me!” I laugh as my mom embraces me tightly. When I go to the couch and reach for Dad, he does the same. I notice he’s lost a bit of weight, and his movements are slower than usual. “What are you doing here? Is it safe for you to be out yet?”
“I told the NCPD to call off their guard dogs,” Dad says dismissively. He looks tired, maybe a few more gray hairs around his temples. Part of me is glad he’s still his stubborn self; it means he’s still alive and well. I’m glad he has the good sense to stay off of his feet and take it easy. “I won’t live in fear of these PureEarth psychopaths. “If anything, this is just the edge we need.”
“What’re you talking about?” I ask. Mom sagely shakes her head at me, but it’s too late.
