Page 58 of The Last to Let Go
“Beautiful,” Dani whispers.
“Yeah,” I agree, but then I catch Dani looking at me, not the snow. As I look at her, something inside my chest does this crazy little flip. I look around to see if anyone else noticed. Aaron watches me, this amused smirk contorting his face.
There are even a few presents. I keep telling everyone, “You didn’t have to do this.” Jackie and Ray give me this really pretty, long, expensive, designer-looking sweater—a plum color, soft, with a hood and a belt—the kind of thing I imagine, once you put it on, you never want to take off because it’s so warm and cozy and perfect. I don’t think I’ve ever owned anything this nice before—most of my clothes come off the clearance racks at discount stores. “I love it, thank you,” I tell Jackie. “It’s too much, but I really do love it.”
Next it’s Aaron’s. He slides a big gift bag across the table. “You didn’t have to get me anything,” I tell him. I look at the folded paper tag, hoping it’s going to say something likeFrom Aaron & Carmen, but it doesn’t. It makes me nervous that she’s not here, just like she wasn’t at the courthouse.
“Just open it,” he groans, pretending to be impatient.
I dig into the tissue paper until my hands pull out a messenger bag. It’s soft and smooth to the touch and smells like real leather, not that plastic, rubbery scent of faux leather that I’m used to. There’s no way he could afford this—I’m about to tell him so, but when I look up at him, he looks so proud of it, so happy. I shake my head at him, pretending to disapprove, but I think it’s obvious how much I love it.
“All those damn books you’re always carrying around, I figured you could use a new bag, right?”
I reach over to give him a hug, and all I can say is “Thank you.”
Callie hands me a big, rectangular object wrapped in Christmas paper with a big blue bow on top. It has all the telltale signs of a book. “Callie...,” I begin, but stop because I can tell she’s also proud of her gift.
I peel the bow off the top and stick it on my shirt, like a pin. I carefully tear the paper off to reveal a shiny hardcover world atlas, an image of the earth suspended in black space on the cover. It’s thick and heavy. The scent of ink and paper—that new-book smell. There’s no way she could’ve bought this for me either. Jackie must’ve given her the money. It’s one of those gifts you never realized you wanted until you have it. I want to believe this means there’s still something to salvage with Callie, because if she remembers the days when I would dream of other places, then maybe she also remembers the days when things were better between us.
“It’s perfect,” I tell her. “Thank you.” I wrap my arms around her, and she lets one hand rest on my back for a second.
“Well, since I’m a surprise guest to the surprise party, I don’t have anything for you today... except for homework,” Dani announces. “But that’s not really a gift. So you’ll just have to wait for mine.”
“I’m glad I happened to run into you, Dani,” Aaron says. “I’ve been hearing a lot about you.”
“Let me guess, all bad?” she jokes.
“All good, I promise.” Except he’s looking at me while answering her. He can be perceptive when he wants to be.
After presents I take Dani to my room. As soon as I adjust the door behind us, leaving it open a crack so we’re not being too suspicious, she starts talking right away. “Don’t be mad, okay?” she whispers. “I swear, your brother twisted my arm. He came downstairs and practically pulled me out of my car. I really had no choice but to stay.”
“It’s weird to have you here. But I’m glad you are. I really am, but there’s something I should explain—” I begin, but she cuts me off.
“You don’t have to explain anything. Your family is so awesome. Aaron, Callie, your uncle Ray. I love it here, I lovethem. And... hello? You guys call your mom by her first name? I mean, come on—that’s so badass. This explains so much about you.”
“No, it’s not that...” I stop midsentence. Because if she thinks Jackie’s my mom and Ray’s an uncle and we have some kind of hippie, twenty-first-century family dynamic where we all treat one another like we’re individuals worthy of some kind of sophisticated system of respect, then maybe I should let her go ahead and think that. It’s not like I’ve told her some big lie; I’m simply letting her believe something that isn’t quite true.
“What?” she asks when I don’t finish.
I want to keep Dani out of it. Not for her sake, but for mine. She’s my one last uncontaminated thing, this single remaining fragment of my life that can belong to me alone, that doesn’t have to be tainted by my family. I’m willing to lie a little to keep it that way.
“Nothing,” I finally answer. “I just wanted to tell you that they don’t, like, know about us—about me.”
“Oh totally, I got that. Don’t worry.”
We gaze into each other’s eyes for a moment. “All right,” I say with a sigh, forcing my eyes to look anywhere else. “So this is me....”
She takes a turn around the room, her fingertips grazing the cover of the snowflake book that sits on the corner of my desk. “Not at all what I expected. But then again,” she says, turning to face me, “you’re not at all what I expected either.”
“Is that agoodthing?”
She smiles and nods enthusiastically. She takes a step toward me, and because it feels like she’s going to either kiss me or tell me “I love you” again, I back away, a reflex, and swing my door open wide. “Let’s get back out there, okay?”
“Oh. Sure,” she says, looking down at her feet instead of at me. I should apologize, I should explain, I know I should tell her the truth.
Dani’s a big hit with everyone. No one mentions Mom or Dad, and I’m thankful for that. After everyone leaves, Aaron comes to my room and knocks twice on my open bedroom door.
“Come in,” I tell him.
