Page 19 of The Way I Used to Be
“What do you mean? Nothing. Was something supposed to happen next?”
“I mean, how did you leave things? What exactly did he say to you?”
“He said he was going to save me a seat tomorrow.”
“Perfect!” she shouts. “So then tomorrow you—”
“Wait.” I interrupt her. “I’m not actually going to be there tomorrow, though.”
“Why not?”
“Well, I kind of volunteered in the library for that period,” I admit.
She stares into my eyes, unblinking, her smile fading rapidly. “I’m sorry, did you suffer a blow to the head?”
“You think I should’ve stayed in the study hall?”
“Duh-uh!” she yells. “Of course, Edy. Have you learned nothing this summer?”
I think about it for several minutes as we walk. Mara keeps letting out these small exasperated breaths, and looking at me and shaking her head, periodically sighing. “Oh, Edy.”
“You’re right,” I tell her once we reach the corner where we need to part. “You’re totally right. I don’t know why I did that. I just got scared, I guess.”
“Scared of what? It’s Joshua Miller—this is a great thing, Edy.”
I just shrug. Because I can’t tell her exactly what I mean. And I know she wouldn’t be able to understand even if I could.
I HAVE BEEN WORKINGin the library for a full week. I like being around Miss Sullivan again. And I have nearly forgotten all about Josh Miller and the seat he was saving for me. Forgotten everything except for those eyes, that is.
I’m nice and safe in this little corner of the world. It’s like a break from life. I realize quickly I actually love shelving the books, putting things back in the proper order. Everything has a place—a right way to be. Here, I don’t have to worry about who I am or if I’m being it right. No one bothers me, not even myself.
“You’re a very hard person to find, you know that?” someone says, suddenly very close to me.
I turn around. I almost can’t believe it. It’s him. Josh. And his eyes, looking at me. He leans against the bookshelf and smiles. I didn’t realize how tall he was when we were sitting together, and that day in the hall I guess I was too crazed to realize much at all. To realize how irresistible he is when he stands in front of me like this. We’re so close to each other, tucked away in this quiet aisle; it’s like there’s no one else in the entire world. Still, I take a small step toward him because it’s like he’s some kind of magnet, and I can’t not move closer.
“You were trying to find me?” I ask.
“Well, I’ve been saving that seat for you, and people were starting to look at me funny.” He grins, that small lopsided smile again. “I kinda started thinking you were never coming back.” He looks around the library and then at the stack of books in my arms. “I guess I was right?”
“I didn’t think you were serious about that.” I feel my grasp on the books tighten as my heart begins to speed up.
“Why don’t people ever think I’m being serious?” he asks with a laugh.
Maybe because you look like that, I want to say. Maybe because you always have that ridiculously charming smile on your face. Maybe people don’t want to take you seriously because then you’re real. Then you’re not just Number 12. Or maybe that’s just me. “I don’t know,” I tell him instead.
“Well, I was.”
And we just stand there staring at each other.
Finally he says, turning his head at me suspiciously, “Do you not like me or something?”
“No,” I tell him right away. “I mean, not no. I mean I do. I mean, I don’t not like you.”
“Okay. I think,” he says, laughing. “Well, now that that’s all cleared up. I was thinking maybe we should do something sometime?”
“Like what?” I ask.
“Like what?” he repeats. He grins that grin of his again. “Oh, I don’t know, I thought we’d knock over a couple of ATMs, do a little vandalism, steal some identities, and then head for the border. Carrying illegal substances, of course.” He laughs. “Or we could get really crazy and go see a movie. Possibly even eat at a restaurant.”
