Page 24 of The Way I Used to Be
“Well, Cameron and I went throughallthe bathrooms and tried to scribble them out. We’ve been doing thatallmorning, so it’s okay. I hoped you wouldn’t have to see it, though,” she admits.
“Cameron went into the girls’ bathroom?”
“No, the boys’ bathrooms.”
I hadn’t even considered they would have gone into the boys’ bathrooms too. “Thank you for doing that, Mara. I mean it. I think everyone’s seen it already, though,” I tell her. “Can’t undo that.” I laugh bitterly.
“Well, fuck everyone!” she says too loudly, and a bunch of heads turn toward us. “I’m really sorry, Edy,” she whispers. “I don’t understand this at all.” She’s so sad it’s almost like it’s happening to her and not me. “Want to come over tonight? We can eat all kinds of junk food and just veg out?” she tries.
“I can’t. I actually have plans.”
“You do? With who?” she asks, shocked.
I look around to make sure no one can hear, and lower my voice so that I’m barely speaking. “Josh. Joshua Miller.”
“Oh my God! Are you serious?” she whispers, her smile stretching wide. “How did this happen?”
“I don’t know, it just... happened. He asked me out.”
“Edy?” Mara’s smile suddenly contracts. “You don’t think it was him, do you? Because if it was, then you definitely don’t want to go out with him, right?”
“It wasn’t him.”
“Yeah, but how can you be sure?” she asks, rightfully suspicious.
“I’m positive,” I assure her, but she doesn’t look convinced.
“Edy, I’m worried now. You’re gonna be really careful, right?” she asks, her voice trembling faintly. “Because he’s kind of from this whole different world. He’s older. I mean, what if he’s expecting something, you know?”
“So what if he is?” I answer immediately. “I don’t know, maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing.”
“Really?” she asks in disbelief. “But—but aren’t you afraid?”
“No,” I lie. I am afraid. But in this other way, I’m also more afraid ofbeingafraid. Afraid of not doing it too. Afraid that maybe I would be too afraid to ever do it. That Kevin would continue to control me in these ways I had never even dreamed of. And suddenly the thought of having someone else there in place of him is something I required-wanted-needed, in the most severe of ways. And I don’t really care who, anyone else at all will do. This guy, Josh, he’s good enough. He did, after all, pick me a weed.
“Maybe the rumors aren’t such a lie after all,” I muse.
“Shut up, Edy,” Mara says, her face completely straight. “Don’t you ever say that again. That’s not true and you know it!”
“Sorry,” I tell her. She stares at me for a second too long, like she wants to keep arguing the point, but she doesn’t. “I’m sorry,” I repeat.
“Edy, you have to be sure,” she says firmly. “If you’re going to do it—like really, really sure. It’s not like you get to take it back if you—”
But I have to stop her. “Don’t worry, okay? Who knows if anything will even happen?” I lie, trying to make her feel better.
“Oh God,” she moans, both horrified and delighted at even the possibility. “Joshua Miller—that’s big. Like. Huge.”
I grin in spite of my fear, at the thought of things being different—the thought of me being different. “Yeah, I guess it is.”
I STAND ON THEsidewalk near the tennis courts after school. It feels like I’ve been waiting for hours, but it’s only been seven minutes. I’ll give him three more, and then I walk. I adjusted my hair and makeup in the bathroom before I left. I brushed my teeth. I even wore my new silky floral dress that I got before school started. I run my hands through my hair one more time. Just as I’m considering making a break for it, I see him walking toward me.
“Hey! You’re really here?” he says, greeting me with that smile.
“I said I would be.” I smile back.
“I know, exactly. That’s why I wasn’t sure,” he says with a laugh. “Come on.” He reaches for my hand. My heart stops. He doesn’t seem to notice, as he leads us through the parking lot, that everyone is staring at us. He stops at the blue station wagon that picked him up yesterday and lets me in first. When he gets in the driver’s side, he starts the car and looks at me sweetly. “You look really nice, Eden.”
I mumble “Thanks,” and look out the window so he doesn’t catch me blushing. But that’s when I see these guys—guys I’m sure he’s friends with—staring and pointing and laughing.
