Page 3 of The Way I Used to Be
He walks toward me, his steps are wide and swift and sure, the fresh snow crushing easily under his feet. I sit up straighter, put my hands in my lap, and try not to give away anything that would let him know how wrong my body feels to me right now.
“So, Edy,” Caelin begins, sitting down on the swing next to mine. “I hear you’re mad at me.”
I try to smile, try to do my best impression of myself. “Let me guess who told you that.”
“She said it’s because I’m not spending enough time with you?” His half grin tells me he half believes her.
“No, that’s not it.”
“Okay, well, you’re acting way weird.” He elbows me in the arm and adds with a smile, “Even for you.”
Maybe this is my chance. Would Kevin really kill me if I told—could he really kill me? He could. He made sure I knew he could if he wanted to. But he’s not here right now. Caelin is here. To protect me, to be on my side.
“Caelin, please don’t leave tomorrow,” I blurt out, feeling a sudden urgency take hold of me. “Don’t go back to school. Just don’t leave me, okay? Please,” I beg him, tears almost ready to spill over.
“What?” he asks, almost a laugh in his voice. “Where is this coming from? I have to go back, Edy—I don’t have a choice. You know that.”
“Yes, you do, you have a choice. You could go to school here—you had that scholarship to go here, remember?”
“But I didn’t take it.” He pauses, looking at me, uncertain. “Look, I don’t know what you want me to say here. Are you serious?”
“I just don’t want you to go.”
“All right, just for fun let’s say I stay. Okay? But think about it, what am I supposed to do about school? I’m right in the middle of the year. All my stuff is there. My girlfriend is there. My life is there now, Edy. I can’t just drop everything and move back home so we can hang out, or whatever.”
“That’s not what I mean. Don’t talk to me like I’m a kid,” I tell him quietly.
“Hate to break it to you, but you are a kid, Edy.” He smiles, clapping my shoulder. “Besides, what’s Kevin supposed to do? We’re roommates. We share a car. We share bills—everything. We’re kind of depending on each other right now, Edy. Grown-up stuff. You know?”
“I depend on you too—I need you.”
“Since when?” he says with a laugh.
“It’s not funny. You’remybrother, not Kevin’s,” I almost shout, my voice trembling.
“All right, all right.” He rolls his eyes. “Apparently you gave up having a sense of humor for your New Year’s resolution,” he says, standing up like the conversation is over just because he’s said what he wanted to say. “Come on, let’s go inside.” He holds out his hand to me. I feel my feet plant themselves firmly in the snow. My legs begin to follow him instinctually, as they always have. My hand rises toward his. But then just as my fingers are about to touch his palm, something snaps inside of me. Physically snaps. If my body were a machine, it’s like the gears inside of me just grind to a halt, my muscles short-circuit and forbid my body to move.
“No.” I say firmly, my voice someone else’s.
He just stands there looking down at me. Confused because I’ve never said no to him before in my entire life. He shifts from one foot to the other and turns his head ever so slightly, like a dog. He exhales a puff of air through his smiling lips and opens his mouth. But I can’t let him say whatever smart-ass remark his mind is churning out.
“You don’t get it!” I would have yelled the words if my teeth weren’t clenched.
“Get what?” he asks, his voice an octave too high, looking around us like there’s someone else here who’s supposed to be filling him in.
“You’re my brother.” I feel the words collapsing in my throat like an avalanche. “Not Kevin’s!”
“What’s your problem? I know that!”
I stand up, can’t let him try to get away before he knows the truth. Before I tell him what happened. “If you know that, then why is he always here? Why do you keep bringing him with you? He has his own family!” My voice falters, and I can’t stop the tears from falling.
“You’ve never had a problem with him being around before. In fact, it’s almost like the opposite.” The sentence hangs in the air like an echo. I look up at him. Even blurry through my tears I can tell he’s mad.
“What do you mean”—I shudder—“the opposite?”
“I mean, maybe it’s time to drop the whole little schoolgirl-crush thing. It was cute for a while, Edy—funny, even—but it’s played itself out, don’t you think? It’s obviously making you, I don’t know, mean, or something. You’re not acting like yourself.” And then he adds, more to himself, “You know, I guess I should’ve seen this coming. It’s so funny because me and Kevin were just talking about this.”
“What?” I breathe, barely able to give the word any volume. I can’t believe it. I cannot believe he’s really done it. He’s managed to turn my brother—my true best friend, my ally—against me.
