Page 100 of The Way I Am Now
I take a few breaths, practice the words a couple times in my head first. “You might get upset,” I start, “but you should know I told my parents about the assault—the trial and everything. I know I’m not supposed to be talking about it, but—”
“No, it’s okay,” she says so quietly I can’t tell if there’s any uneasiness behind the words. “It’s okay.”
“Is it, though?” I ask. “Is it okay?”
She nods. “I mean, I trust your judgment—God, I trust your judgment more than mine. I know you’re not going to be telling people you don’t trust, who don’tneedto know, right?”
“Right. No, of course,” I assure her. “It was just getting hard to keep it a secret.”
“I get it. It’s been a secret for too long. It’s just . . .”
I wait, but she doesn’t finish.
“Hey, I know you’re probably worrying about getting to practice,” she says. “Go, really, you should go.”
“Okay,” I tell her even though practice is the farthest thing from my mind right now, but I’ll go if that’s what she wants. “Are you sure you’re gonna be all right here, alone?”
“Of course, yeah,” she says. She even smiles. “I promise. I think I’ll probably just go back to sleep for a bit.”
I’m shaky as I get to my feet. Almost weak, brittle feeling, as I take her hand and help her up off the floor. Dizzy as I get dressed and lean down to kiss her. Scared as I say “I love you.” Unsteady as I leave her room and close the door behind me.
I make it to morning practice almost forty-five minutes late. Jon shakes his head when I walk into the gym. “Seriously?” he says out loud, looking around.
I don’t even have the strength to get mad at him or try to defend myself, so I say nothing.
Dominic calls me over to the bench press. “Yo, Miller. Spot me.” When I get over there, he says, under his breath, “Are you crazy showing up late after yesterday?” I barely have the energy to put two words together, though, to explain.
“I know” is all I can manage.
“I told Coach you had a last-minute problem with an assignment.”
“Thanks,” I tell him.
I grip the bar with both hands—thankful I’m not so shaky anymore, my blood pumping back through my body again—and help him with the lift-off.
“Got it,” he says.
We take turns spotting each other, and I feel grateful that somehow he knows I shouldn’t be alone right now. I keep catching him watching me too closely, but thankfully, he waits until after practice to ask me, when we’re alone in the locker room.
“Parker called me in the middle of the night, you know. She was really scared. By the time I got down there, I guess it was over, whatever happened, but . . .” He gestures to the scratches on my neck; I pull my collar up. “Be real with me, what’s going on with you? First you start a fight with Jon. Now whatever this is with Eden?”
“I didn’t start that—”
“No,” he interrupts, holding up his hands. “He was being a total prick, I know, but you laid hands on him first. That’s not you.”
“I know,” I sigh. “It’s all just a long, complicated thing, I don’t know . . .”
“I got time.”
So, we skip our first classes and get breakfast instead. I tell him everything that’s been going on. With me, with Eden. The trial. Last night. Everything.
“Damn, that’s some heavy shit.” He shakes his head. “I had no idea.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want you to, but I just feel like I’m in over my head. Like, I’ve honestly never been so scared in my life. I don’t know what to do. If this happens again, what do I do?”
“This is only a question, I’m not trying to be a dick,” he says, prefacing something I’m sure I’m not going to like. “But is she worth all this to you?”
“Of course,” I answer right away—there’s no question about it.
