Page 112 of The Way I Am Now
JOSH
I pull up to the curb in front of our mailbox. I turn the car off and wipe my hands on my jeans. Even closed up inside my car, I can hear the screech of the front door opening. I get out. Take my bags out of the trunk. Walk up the driveway.
I watch my feet the whole time; I can’t look at them, standing there on the front porch. Dad comes down the steps to take one of the bags from me, and finally I meet his eyes—they’re full of all kinds of concern and questions.
I try to smile but can’t.
Mom stands on the top step, holding her hands up as she turns her head, the beginning of a word, “Wh . . .” hanging in the air.What’s wrong?orWhere is she?I’m sure, will be coming next, but she stops herself.
I silently thank them for at least letting me into the house before they say anything.
Harley comes racing up to me, rubs her head against my legs, purring loudly. They let me bend down to pick her up, having her in my arms as a buffer. And Mom finally asks, “Well, don’t keep us in suspense. What’s going on?”
And then they stand there, waiting for an explanation.
“We broke up,” I admit, finally, after all these weeks of trying to deny it.
“Oh, sweetheart,” Mom says. “Come here.” She hugs me, and Harley leaps out of my arms. Dad pats me on the back.
When I look at him, he smiles sadly. “I’m sorry, bud.”
I nod.Not as sorry as I am, I would say, if I could.
“Okay,” Mom begins. “Come in, take your coat off. Do you want to talk about it?”
I shake my head. “Not really.”
“You didn’t break up over coming here, right?” she asks, probably thinking it must’ve just happened since this is the first they’re hearing about it.
I laugh as I drop down onto the couch. “Yeah, I wish.”
“Over the trial?” Mom asks, coming to sit next to me as she sets her hand on my knee.
“Mom?” I place my hand on top of hers. “Thank you, really. But I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
She looks up at my dad, then back at me. “Okay, honey.” A timer goes off in the kitchen, and she stands.
“Need help?” Dad asks her.
“No, it’s all under control. We’re basically just waiting on the turkey at this point.” And then she gives a not-very-subtle shooing gesture toward my dad, as if to say,Do something about him.
Dad sighs and sits down in his armchair across from me. “Wanna watch a game?” he asks, turning his head toward me in this gentle way.
“Sure,” I tell him. “Anything but basketball.”
He laughs. “Deal.” He turns on a football game, and we both watch, not saying much, but it’s sort of exactly what I needed. I stretch out on the couch, and Harley comes back to curl up on top of my chest.
“Someone missed you,” my dad says, gesturing to the cat. I scritch under her chin, and the purring starts up like a tiny motor. “Joshie, you know I’m here, right? If you wanna talk.”
“Yeah,” I tell him. “Thanks.”
I drift off, not quite asleep, but remembering this one time Eden slept over here when we were still in high school. We never even went upstairs. We ate pizza and watched TV and then fell asleep down here, on the couch, after talking late into the morning hours. We’d known each other only a few weeks and already I knew I was starting to fall in love with her that night. I told her secrets, about me, about my family, my dad’s addiction. Things I’d never told anyone. Because I trusted her. I trusted that she would understand, and she did. She always did.
I open my eyes and look over at my dad.
He’s been watching me.
“I really messed up,” I tell him.
