Page 84 of The Way I Am Now
“How does that fucking lawyer sleep at night?” Mara says.
“I want to go,” I say out loud to no one in particular.
Lane touches my shoulder, and I flinch. “Sorry, honey. You did really well, I mean it.”
“Whatever, I don’t care. It’s over. I just wanna go.”
JOSH
Eden called me last night at midnight to tell me happy birthday. She said she thought through what I’d said to her about doing it alone and she’d asked Mara to go with her. I stayed on the phone with her until she fell asleep. She didn’t say so, but I could tell she was really nervous. I wished she would’ve just let me come.
I’ve been distracted all day waiting for word from her. I spaced out during our team meeting this morning, and Coach reamed me out in front of everyone. Even Dominic pulled me aside in the locker room to ask what was going on with me.
“Nothing,” I told him. “I’m just tired.” Which was true; even after Eden finally fell asleep around two o’clock and I hung up the phone, I couldn’t sleep at all.
I texted her before afternoon practice to check in.
When I get out at six, I still haven’t heard from her. I call and leave a voice mail.
“Hey, just me. Thinking of you. Hope everything’s going okay. Well, call me when you can. I love you. Miss you.”
On my walk home, I’m barely paying attention to anything— not other people or traffic or street signs—I’m staring at my phone the whole time.
“Josh!” my mom’s voice calls out to me, laughing. “What are you doing?”
I look up. I’ve walked right past my building, past my parents, waiting on the front stoop, each holding coffee cups from Eden’s work.
“Head in the clouds much?” Dad says as he steps closer and hugs me.
Mom stands now and passes her coffee to Dad. She places her hands on my shoulders and holds me at arm’s length, smiling as she studies me for a moment. “Happy birthday, sweetheart.”
“Happy birthday, Josh,” Dad echoes.
I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been happier to see them in my life.
“You look tired,” Mom says as we walk up to the apartment. “Are you getting enough sleep?”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” she repeats, her voice an octave higher than usual. And as I glance back, I see her looking at my dad, all wide-eyed.
“Mom,” I groan. “I’m fine.”
I unlock the door to my apartment and let them in.
“So, where’s Dominic?” Dad asks.
“He went to get dinner with some of the other guys on the team.”
Mom says, in her best casual voice, “And what about Eden, where’s she?” Then looks all around like she’s searching for evidence of her having been here.
I sit down on the couch in the living room, and they follow.
“Listen, she’s not gonna be able to make it tonight.”
“What?” Mom shouts as she sits down on the couch next to me, then adjusts her volume. “She’s not going to make it for your birthday?”
“We celebrated on Friday. She had to go out of town.”
