Page 103 of The Way I Am Now
“Sorry.”
“No, you don’t have to be sorry. I just noticed, that’s all.”
“Oh. I was just thinking about the weather. It’s really nice out.”
He looks up at the sky, the clouds moving above us, faster than we’re walking.
“I mean, I was also thinking about the game,” I add. “I’ve never sat through an entire basketball game before, like actually paying close attention.”
“Even with your brother playing all those years?”
I shake my head. “I never cared very much. But, Josh,” I say, more seriously. “You were so good.”
He laughs. “Again, we lost.”
“Well, forgive me. I was just watching you the whole time—I wasn’t really keeping track of anything else.”The way you move your body—I feel my cheeks burning.
“Me?” he says with a laugh.
“Yes, you.” I pull him closer to me, and our feet shuffle along in slow motion as we gaze at each other. “I don’t know, I never thought I was one of those girls.”
“One of what girls?”
“You know what I’m talking about. One of the five hundred girls here tonight who are probably going to go home and fantasize about you.”
He smiles and narrows his eyes at me, head cocked just slightly like he doesn’t quite believe that this is a thing. God, he’s so cute when he doesn’t know how cute he is.
“I’m just saying if you got sick of me, you could have an upgrade in under a minute.”
He stops smiling now and rolls his eyes, resumes walking at a non-dreamy pace.
“No, I’m just saying . . . you have options.”
“Do you have to do that?” he asks. “I’m not interested in options.”
“Okay, but I’m just saying there were like a dozen very pretty girls in my immediate vicinity who would—”
“Oh my God,” he groans. “Stop.”
“I’m just being honest—I thought you said earlier you liked that about me.”
“Well, now you’re being mean,” he whispers, leaning close to me. “To yourself.”
JOSH
We go out with some of the team after the game to a restaurant nearby. Parker joins, I think to make Eden more comfortable. Lucas drove up for the weekend to be with Dominic. I told them I’d clear out of the apartment—stay with Eden and give them some space.
I wasn’t sure I even wanted to go out tonight; part of me was hoping she’d say no, but now that we’re here, it’s actually nice. I forget sometimes how I love seeing her out like this; I can admire her differently than when it’s just us. I notice new things or remember old ones. Like how she doesn’t seem to have any interest in small talk—something I forget until I see her in social situations like these—to the point of almost coming off as a little rude. But then she pays such close attention when she’s in a conversation with someone, talking about something real. She commits to it and doesn’t let herself get distracted. That was, after all, how she got me hooked on her to begin with. She forced me to be real because she had no use for the other version of me, the one who could make polite chitchat with anyone, all day long, without ever once saying anything that mattered.
She’s deep in conversation with Luke now—from what I can overhear, it sounds like they were in band together in high school. I’d forgotten Eden told me once that she’d played some kind of instrument. I start to ignore my own conversation to join in theirs instead.
I shout over the noisy restaurant, “What did you use to play again?”
Luke points at Eden and says, “Clarinet, right?”
“Yes!” she shouts, delighted. “Good memory. And you were . . . flute, I think?”
“How’d you even remember that?” Luke asks her. “Didn’t you leave band after freshman year?”
