Page 107 of The Way I Am Now
“Then what?”
“It . . . I don’t know, it felt good.”
“It felt good?” I repeat. “Oh, that’s mature.”
“Not felt good, like physically good—I mean it did—but I’m saying it felt good to be together again. To be in that place.” She pauses and tries to reach for my hand, but I pull away. “See? Things have been so off with us. I didn’t want to ruin it by stopping you because then I’d have to tell you I haven’t been keeping up with the pill and then you’d read into it all like you’re doing right now and think I’m even more screwed up than I am—and now here we are.” She throws her hands up and adds, “Here we are, anyway.”
I let my head fall forward into my hands, her explanation still echoing in my mind. I try to understand, but—
“I can’t,” I hear myself say out loud.
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t . . . trust you,” I admit. “I can’t—I can’t do this.” I’m still leaning forward, seeing the floor through my fingers, my hands hot against my skin, I can’t look at her face.
“What are you saying?”
The words tumble out, landing heavy like boulders. “I don’t know, maybe we need to take a break or something.”
“Take a break.” She laughs. “Over this?” I look up, and she has this half grin on her face, full of disbelief, irritation. I guess I’m annoying her, which annoys the hell out of me, sparking something even deeper—she’s not taking this seriously. She’s not takingmeseriously.
“Yes, over this!” I shout, and I’m on my feet again.
Now that I’m yelling, I see her getting that far-off look in her eyes, like last night in the restaurant, but now it just makes me angrier.
“No,” she says. “If we’re doing this, then at least tell me the truth. Give me your real reason.”
“You’re questioningmytruth when you’re the one who lied?”
“I never lied. I just . . .” She crosses her arms now and says, “Admit it, you’ve been wanting out ever since that night.”
“What night?”
She scoffs and rolls her eyes, but her hands are still shaking, betraying her coolness. “Don’t play dumb,” she says, her voice sharp. “You know what night.”
“This has nothing to do with that night,” I tell her. “Eden, how am I supposed to trust you after this?”
“Because it’s me.”
“Yeah, exactly,” I blurt out. “This is you.”
The way she looks at me—like if I’d just slapped her, it would’ve hurt less—makes me want to die. I try to take it back. “Okay, don’t—don’t look at me like that. You know that’s not what I meant.”
“Yes, it was,” she says quietly, looking down at the pill box and the plastic bag and the water bottle sitting on her bed. She starts putting everything inside the bag. I reach for her, but she ducks away. “No. You want to go, just go.”
“Look, I don’t want to go,” I tell her.Take it back, take it all back right now. I step toward her again, and when she looks up, I can see that her eyes are filling with tears.
“Just go, Josh,” she says, her voice sounding strangled as she wipes her eyes roughly with the heels of her hands. “There’s the door. I’m not stopping you.”
“Eden, don’t—”
“Go!” she shouts, already losing her voice to the tears. She throws the water bottle, but it misses me. “Get out, God!” she yells. “Just fucking go.”
Parker appears in the doorway and looks at me, fully awake now. “Josh,” she says calmly, firmly, “you need to leave.”
I do. But I can’t force myself to go far. I sit down in the hall-way outside her door with my back to the wall. I’ll wait for her for however long it takes, I tell myself. In the meantime, I’m just trying to remember how to breathe.A break. I can’t remember ever saying anything so fucking stupid in my entire life.
EDEN
