Page 14 of The Way I Am Now
“Right.” He scoffs. “Why am I not surprised?”
“What does that mean?”
“You know.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Come on, it’s not like I’m some frat bro all hard up for sex, but—” He stops midsentence.
“So, wait, I’m confused. Is the problem that I’mtooslutty or not slutty enough for you?”
“Never mind, you’re just twisting what I’m saying.”
“No, I just want to make sure I get it right,Stephen,” I add, using his full name like I used to when we were just friends. “Is this because I didn’t want to give you a blowjob the other day?”
“God, do you have to say it like that?” he whisper-shouts.
“Because you know you asked me at the worst possible time, right? When I was trying to have a serious conversation with you about coming back to school.”
“I know, and I said I was sorry. But it’s not just that.” He rolls his eyes at me and sighs. “Why do I feel like you were more interested in me before we were together?”
I bite my lip, try to keep myself from smiling or laughing, or worse. Because I could hurt him if I wanted to. I could tell him the truth, which is that I was never all that interested in him. But I’m trying to be good. Trying to be happy in my relationship with the age-appropriate boy who my best friend pushed onto me because she thinks he’s the nicest guy we know. The truth is, he was just there. And I was just there too, trying so hard to be normal, thinking maybe he was the way.
“Before we were together,” I begin, still deciding how honest I can afford to be, “I was interested in fucking anyone with a pulse, so . . .”
“Nice.” He gets out of the car, leans in, looks at me, and says, “That’s great, thank you very much.” Then slams the door in my face.Too honest. I grab Mara’s keys and follow him to the edge of the parking lot, where he’s standing with his back to me.
“Steve!” I yell, marching over to him. “Look, I meant that as, like, do you really want me to be acting the way I was before we were together?”
He swings around so fast that I have to fight the urge to shield myself. “Did you have sex with him?” he blurts out.
“Are you serious? We were only talking!”
“Not tonight,” he snaps. “I mean,haveyou had sex with him?”
“Why?”
“Because he was looking at you like . . .” He clenches his fists as he turns to one side and then the other, like he’s searching for words he’s dropped on the pavement.
“Like what?”
His face twists in disgust as he starts again. “Like he . . .” And I decide I don’t want to know what he was looking at me like, anyway, because it’s pointless to know something like that.
“Like he was concerned?” I finish.
“AndIwasn’t concerned? I was texting you all night, Edy!” he shouts.
“All right, I’m sorry, I know. Please, Steve, I don’t want to be fighting.”
“I don’t either.” There’s a silence, and when he starts talking again, he’s quieter. “It’s just—he was holding your hand.”
“He was helping me down from the table. And we were just talking. We’re friends. That’s what friends do.”
He shakes his head as if the things I’m saying don’t even matter and cuts his eyes to me like he thinks he’s catching me in a lie. At this rate, maybe I should’ve just kissed Josh like I really wanted to—significant others be damned.
“But you used to be together, right?” he asks.
“He’s my friend,” I repeat, more firmly.
