Page 21 of The Way I Am Now
“Take,” I correct myself, enunciating carefully. “Yes! Go. Seriously. Be with your . . .man,” I settle on after shuffling through “boy” and “friend” and “boyfriend” and “guy” and “guy friend” in my head.
“Oh, he’s my man now? Okay.” Dominic laughs hysterically. “I’m so giving you shit for this later.”
“You’re a good friend, you know that?”
“Okay, okay. You too. Go talk your walk, we’ll leave soon, all right?”
I wander back toward the school, and I don’t really know where I’m going until I’m standing there, this swath of grass between the tennis court and the student parking lot. I go to take another sip but realize the can is empty. I crunch it up and aim for the garbage bin at the entrance of the tennis court.
“He shoots,” I say out loud. “Hescores.”
I hear clapping behind me; I turn around.
“Nice shot,” she says. Hannah.
“Oh. Didn’t see you there.”
“Is it okay if I join you?” she asks, pulling a flask out of her purse. “Brought the good stuff.”
“Sure,” I tell her reluctantly, if only to keep Zac away from her.
We sit in the spot I sat with Eden the day she said she’d go out with me. There were dandelions growing all over then; we had this whole thing with dandelions and making wishes. And she was doing her tough-girl routine but let me in just a little bit anyway. I can close my eyes and see her sitting here in the sun so clearly.
I run my hands along the grass. It’s freshly mown. Nothing growing here now.
“I liked what you said back there,” she tells me as she holds the flask out.
I take it from her and bring it to my lips. Whiskey.Small sips this time, I tell myself. I shrug and hand it back to her. “I guess I’m just kinda over this whole scene.”
She nods and takes a much longer sip, scrunching up her face as she swallows it.
“I have to tell you, I had the biggest crush on you when we were in school. I’m sure you didn’t know I existed.”
She passes the flask back to me, and I take a sip before trying to figure out how to respond.
“God, I just totally made that weird, didn’t I?” She laughs and covers her face with her hands, then spreads two fingers to peek at me.
“Uh, no,” I finally say. “No, I’m just not really in a place to—I mean, I’m flattered to hear that, but—”
“But you have a girlfriend, right? Of course you would, why wouldn’t you?”
“I don’t actually, but I’m not—” I stop midsentence because I don’t know how to say what it is. It’s true I don’t have a girlfriend, but I don’t feel quite available somehow, either. “I mean I guess it’s sort of . . .”
“Complicated?” she finishes with a knowing laugh.
“Exactly.”
She takes a big sip, hands it back to me, and as I’m drinking, she looks around and says, “Well, it’s just us here now.”
“You seem very sweet, I just—”
She leans in so fast I can’t stop her. Her mouth is wet on mine, the taste of whiskey strong on her tongue, making me feel even drunker. I’m kissing her back even though I shouldn’t. And it feels good even though I don’t want it to. I haven’t kissed anyone since that day four months ago when I kissed Eden . . . or she kissed me.
She’s climbing onto my lap, her legs straddling me, her long skirt pulling up. She takes my hands in hers and runs them up her thighs. I can’t help but think of Eden’s bare legs earlier. Her skin is so warm. Soft. And now her hands are on my chest, pushing me to the ground. And I pull her down with me. I’m drifting away, my head so fuzzy. I wish I would’ve kissed her tonight. I wish I would have found the right words to tell her everything. She was right there. Right here in my arms. And I let her go. Again.
I feel myself being pulled back to my body as I open my eyes. I’m on my back in the grass now, and it’s not her body pressed up against mine, not her hair my hands are tangled up in. She’s holding herself up over me, and she’s laughing, saying, “It’s Hannah, actually.”
“Wh-what?”
