Page 24 of The Way I Am Now
“Where wereyou?” I shoot back at him.
“I was here,” he says. “I—I’m here.” And he’s looking at me so innocently, I can’t take it. I turn around and place my hands against his desk, trying to brace myself, and I let out a slow, shaky breath. I look up at myself in the mirror. Clear, harsh edges. No blur, no disappearing acts. I am fully here.
“Please come back to bed, Edy,” Steve says gently.
I meet his eyes in the mirror and have to look away again. “I need a minute,” I manage to tell him between breaths. And then I watch as his reflection gets out of bed and cautiously walks up behind me.
“You’re scaring me,” he says. “Tell me what I did. Please?”
“Nothing,” I choke out. “It wasn’t you.”
“It had to be,” he counters. “Everything was fine—good, you said it feltgood—and then something happened.”
I shake my head. He places his hands on my shoulders, slowly turning me around to face him. He takes my hands in his. “Jesus, you’re trembling.”
I snatch them back from him and shake them out. “I’m fine.”
“Is it a panic attack or anxiety attack or whatever?” He freezes, looking genuinely worried. “What should I do?”
“Just—just stay right there,” I tell him, holding my arms out so he doesn’t come any closer. “For a second.” I gasp. “Okay?”
He nods. He doesn’t move. I step back and lean against the desk again. Close my eyes. Breathe in and out. In and out. In and out until my lungs work again.
When I open my eyes, Steve is sitting on the edge of his bed. He’s put his shirt back on.
“Come back, we’ll just cuddle, okay?” he says, as he holds the blanket up for me to climb in. I do. I back up against him, and he wraps himself around me. He’s always good at this part. “I’m not him,” he says softly, smoothing my hair back. “You know that, right?”
If I speak, I might cry, so I just nod. Because I know what he’s talking about. He’s not Kevin. Of course he’s not. But he’s not Josh, either.
JOSH
“He’s a really good guy,” I hear Dominic saying. “Seriously the best guy friend I’ve ever had. He’s just messed up over this girl, I think. Plus, he hardly ever drinks, so he’s just sloppy AF tonight.”
“No, I get it,” someone else responds. “Been there. Well, not over a girl, but—you know . . .”
I open my eyes. Streetlights flash through the car windows. I’m on my side, scrunched up across the back seat of Dominic’s car. I hear myself groan. Every sound echoes in my head.
“Hey, sleeping beauty,” Dominic’s secret admirer guy says, smiling as he turns around to look at me from the passenger seat.
“Sleeping beauty, my ass,” Dominic says. “Do not vomit in my back seat.”
I reach for my phone, the screen blurry as I try to focus. It’s three in the morning. “She didn’t text me back,” I mumble.
“Luke, will you take that from him? We don’t need him drunk dialing his ex.”
“Here, why don’t you give that to me for now?” He’s so polite and gentle, I hand it right over.
“Luke,” I repeat his name. “I’m so rude, I d-did-in’t-introduce myself.”
“You introduced yourself, Josh,” Luke replies.
“Like five times,” Dominic adds.
“She didn’t text,” I hear myself say again.
“I know,” Dominic responds. “It’s okay.”
The next thing I know, I’m standing, sort of, between Dominic and Luke. They’re holding me up on each side, their arms under mine, and I’m stumbling up my front steps. Dominic is reaching into my pocket for my keys as if I can’t get my own keys. And I want to tell them they really don’t have to do all this, but I can’t seem to make the words come out.
