Page 37 of The Way I Am Now
“What?” Dad says, setting down his fork, looking back and forth between me and Caelin like we’ve been keeping some sort of secret.
“I just found out today,” I add.
“And you . . . want . . . to go?” Mom asks, her words coming out slow and uncertain.
“I mean . . . ,” I begin, but just the way she said it makes me feel like I shouldn’t want to go, like I don’t have a right to want it.
Caelin interrupts. “Of course she wants to go.”
“Right, of course you do,” Mom says, and I can feel abutcoming next.
“This is a good thing,” Caelin says in my defense, bolstering my resolve just a little bit.
“Yeah,” I agree. “Why do I feel like I’m breaking bad news to you guys?”
“No, it’s great news. Really,” Mom says. “Just somewhat unexpected.”
“Okay,” I scoff. “Are you even happy for me at all?”
“Of course!” Mom says. “Yes, of course we are. Sorry, I’m just thinking of everything you have going on. You know, it finally seems like things are settling here for you, with yourappointmentsand your job and . . . and you have a routine. I just worry that a big change isn’t what you need right now.”
“Or it’s exactly what I need. I already called my therapist’s office and I can keep meeting with her over the phone. I can definitely find another part-time job making overpriced coffee. And I can come back for the hearing, if it even happens—I mean, it could get postponed again. Why am I putting my whole life on hold?”
Dad sighs loudly, shaking his head.
“What?” Caelin asks our dad, and even I hear the challenge in his voice.
Dad narrows his eyes at Caelin. “Excuse me?”
“I said the word ‘therapist,’” I mutter under my breath. “I mentioned the hearing—I know we’re supposed to be acting like none of this is happening.”
“Eden,” Mom says. “No one is—”
But Dad interrupts her. “She’s gonna do what she wants to do. Why even ask us?”
“Who,me?” I say loudly, Caelin’s boldness catching, because I’m so sick of Dad not talking to me ever since this all came out, likeIdid something wrong. “So, you mean to say you actually want me here? Because you barely say two words to me.”
“This is . . . ,” Dad starts, pushing away from the table, looking at Mom. “She’s too young, Vanessa. She’s too young to go away. This is,” he repeats, “this is not happening.”
“You won’t even look at me, seriously?” I shout.
“Eden,” my mom says. “Calm down.”
“Oh my God,” Caelin mumbles.
“What do you want me to do here?” I ask, and I’m not even trying to control the volume of my voice now. “What, work at the Bean for the rest of my life, take a community college class every once in a while. I am capable of doing things, you know. This is something I want. I don’t know why you’re being this way.”
Dad stands from the table now, he’s walking toward the door, grabbing his car keys.
And I finally say the thing I’ve been holding back for the last seven months. “You think this is all my fault, don’t you?”
He turns around, actually looks at me for the first time in months.
“Well, I didn’t ask for any of this to be happening. What Kevin did is not my fault, and I’m sick of you blaming me every single day!” I shout.
“Your father does not blame you.” Mom stands up now too. “Conner, say it,” she demands.
Caelin stands up too, looking at my dad, then at me, as he says, “No, he blames me, Eden.” He pushes his chair in calmly and then goes to his room.
