Page 43 of The Way I Am Now
“You got in,” he repeats. “Seriously, Eden?”
I nod.
“That’s amazing!” He throws his arms around me, and I suddenly feel freer already. “I’m so happy,” he whispers into my hair. “I’m so fucking happy for you.”
“You are?” I ask, hating how small and stupid my voice sounds.
As we pull apart, he tucks my hair behind both ears and holds my face in his hands for a moment, still smiling as he looks me in the eye. “Don’t ask me that; you know I am.” He kisses my forehead quickly, a peck, sweet and chaste. He holds my gaze for a moment longer and then scoots away from me, this time with his back against the wall. I sit directly next to him now, my back to the wall, my arm against his arm, my leg against his leg.
He’s suddenly so quiet.
“What are you thinking?” I ask him.
He shakes his head and says, “I don’t know, a lot of things.”
“Like what?”
“Like I’m really proud of you—is that weird to say?”
“No,” I tell him. But I watch as he swallows hard and looks around my room, differently than he had before. “What else are you thinking?”
He turns his head to look at me, and he squints just a bit. “Honestly? I’m mostly tryingnotto think about you . . . in this room . . .him,” he adds, his speech halting.
“Sorry,” I say. Because maybe it wasn’t fair to put those thoughts in his head.
“Why are you sorry? I didn’t mean that like you shouldn’t have said anything about it; I’m glad you did. You have nothing to be sorry about.”
“Looks like such a nice room, doesn’t it?” I say, and I don’t know if I’m trying to make light or if I’m genuinely asking. I wanted him to understand how much I need to leave, but it’s hard to watch him actively seeing my life the way it really is, the way no one else seems to get.
“No, it doesn’t,” he says immediately. “Sorry, I just don’t know how you do it.”
“Do what?”
“Live in here . . . after everything.”
“I don’t. Not really. I mean, I can’t sleep in here very well. It’s a brand-new bed, but I still end up on the couch most nights. It’s better than before. All through high school, I literally slept on my floor in a sleeping bag. I—I’ve never told anyone that.”
He exhales a long stream of air and puts his arm around me. I let myself lean into his side. “The only time I slept in a real bed was at Mara’s house or—”
“Or what?” he asks.
“Or when I was with you,” I finish, stealing a quick glance up at him, and he’s watching me with the most devastated look on his face. “Sorry.”
“Don’t be.”
“I don’t know why I’m saying all this right now. I’m really tired.” I sigh. “I know I’m rambling and making this all weird and negative, aren’t I?”
“No, you’re not. Please don’t say that, okay?”
Before I can answer, he’s shifting away from me, and I think for a second that maybe I really have messed this up, but then he’s lying down, his head on my pillow, and he’s holding his arm open to the side. “Come here, I’ll stay till you fall asleep.”
“Really?”
“If that’s okay, yeah.”
I nod and crawl into the space next to him.
“Comfortable?” he asks.
