Page 44 of The Way I Am Now
I sit back up because my hoodie is making me too hot. I only put it on because I was in pajamas and not wearing a bra, but that seems so silly now, so I unzip it, and he helps me pull my arms out of the sleeves. I lie back down, resting my head in that perfect spot I’ve tried to find on so many other people but has never felt quite like this.
“Want me to turn the light off?” he asks, reaching toward my desk for the stained-glass lamp.
“No, don’t.” It comes out too fast, and he draws his hand back, almost startled. “I mean, do you mind if we leave it on?”
“That’s fine,” he says softly. “Is that a thing you do? Keeping the light on?”
“I’m not, like, scared of the dark,” I try to explain, raising my head to look at him. “I just sort of am in here, that’s all. Yet another thing I’ve never told anyone.”
He doesn’t speak, just nods. I lay my head back down, let my arm rest across his stomach while his fingers trail up and down my bare skin like a lullaby.
“Eden?” he says so quietly I can barely hear him. “Can I ask you something?”
“Okay.”
His chest rises as he fills his lungs with air, and I can feel his heart beating faster beneath me. “When we were together, did I ever . . . ?” He pauses, and I wait. “I mean, I realize our relationship moved really fast and it started out very, um—”
“Sexual?” I offer, since this is clearly difficult for him.
“I was going to say physical, but yeah.” He pauses again and swallows before continuing. “And you were younger than I thought you were.”
“Because I lied to you.”
He ignores that, continues as if I hadn’t said anything. “Did I ever do anything that wasn’t okay with you or that made you feel . . . ? I mean, did I ever not listen or pressure you to—”
I see where he’s going with this, so I cut him off. “Josh,no.”
“No, don’t—” he says, and the way his voice is trembling, I have to look at him. “Don’t just say what you think I want to hear. I really need to know the truth. It’s killing me,” he adds, his words punching me in the heart.
“I am telling you the truth.”
“Sometimes I think back and I’m not sure anymore how well I treated you. It’s just, I knew something was wrong. Even the first time we were together. I knew, but I didn’t do any—”
“What were you supposed to do? You tried to ask me about it, and I basically told you to fuck off.”
“But I—”
“Stop. You nevereverdid anything wrong; I promise.” When I reach to touch his face, he takes my hand and holds it there against his cheek, looking into my eyes.
“You promise,” he repeats. “Really?”
“I do.” He lets go of my hand, and I lie back down against him. “Please, don’t even think that for a second, Josh. If anything, it was the opposite.”
“Okay,” he whispers, stroking my hair with one hand and holding my arm with the other. “I’ll let you sleep, I’m sorry.”
“It’s all right.”
He doesn’t think I hear it when he whispers, a few minutes later, “Thank you.”
JOSH
I stare at her ceiling for I don’t know how long. I should feel better, finally having my answer, but her words keep replaying in my head.
“The opposite,” I hear myself say out loud. “What’s the opposite?”
“Hmm?” she mumbles.
“You said ‘if anything, it was the opposite,’ but what does that mean?”
