Page 61 of The Way I Am Now
“Can I?” she asks as she pulls away to let space in between us.
I finally look down at her, and she is so much more magnificent than I remember, all I can manage to do is nod. She slides my shorts down my legs and onto the floor, then quickly slides hers off too, and I hold her hands as she steps out of them. And we stand in front of each other, in only underwear, for the first time in years.
“You are so beautiful,” I tell her, squeezing her hands in mine like we’d been doing all night. “I know you’re gonna keep ignoring me when I say that, but I wish you wouldn’t because I really mean it.”
“Sorry.” She shakes her head but smiles in that rare shy way she does sometimes, only for a moment. “I’m nervous,” she whispers.
“It’s okay, I am too,” I assure her. I’ve had sex with five people in my life—two casual, three relationships, including her—and I feel as nervous as if this were my first time.
“I didn’t think I would be so nervous,” she says.
“We don’t have to do anything tonight.”
She pauses, studying my face.
It’s almost like she’s trying to determine if I really mean that or not—she should know I do, but in case she doesn’t, I add, “Have I ever told you what an amazing kisser you are?”
She grins. “No, you’ve never mentioned that.”
“Well, you are the best kisser in the world—hey, you’re laughing, but I’m completely serious,” I tell her. “And I wouldseriouslybe more than happy to just lie down with you here and keep kissing you. We really don’t have to do anything else.”
“I know. Thank you for that.” She inhales deeply and exhales before continuing. “But I want to. I mean, if you do.”
“Oh, I do.” I look down, feeling like I should somehow apologize for not having more control over myself. “Obviously, I do. There’s no rush, though.”
She nods, placing my hands on her hips like she knows how much I love the way they feel. And as she reaches out, running her hands along my face and down my chest and stomach, she’s not even trying to hide the fact that she’s looking at my body. Staring. Gazing. I have the urge to make some kind of stupid joke, likehey lady,my eyes are up here, because standing in front of her like this, under her hands, her eyes on me, it’s intense—that was the word she used earlier—almost too intense to bear.
“You are so gorgeous,” she whispers.
“W-what?” I stutter. There’s literally nothing she could’ve said that would’ve shocked me more. She’s never said anything remotely like that to me before. I almost think she’s joking. But then she lets her hands float down my back and rest on my hips. And it doesn’t feel like a joke at all.
“Do you even know?” she asks, and her eyes meet mine again like she’s expecting an answer.
EDEN
There was a time when I was afraid to look at him too closely. Afraid of how beautiful his body was, afraid of the things he could do, the ways he could hurt me with it.
But not now, not anymore. Right now I’m not afraid of anything. I can’t stop watching his face as I touch him. His eyes are closed like they were earlier, with the bite of gelato melting on his tongue.
“Eden . . . ,” he says, breathless, as he pulls my hand away and places it on his chest instead.
“Sorry, was that not—”
“Oh my God, no.” He smooths my hair back and touches my lips. “That was . . .” He shakes his head almost imperceptibly, and I can feel his heart racing under my hand. “I just need a second. It’s been a while since I’ve done this. And . . . I just need to slow down for a second.”
“Oh,” I say awkwardly, “okay.” I back away from him and try to cover myself with my arms as I sit down on the edge of the bed. But then he’s right there with me a moment later, like it’s a choreographed dance, suddenly kneeling on the floor in front of me so we’re at eye level. He kisses my knees and lets out a long sigh, laying his head on my lap. It feels so strange and sweet and vulnerable, I reach out and run my hands down his back, through his hair, still damp.
He raises his head slowly and kisses my thighs, running his hands up and down my legs, moving forward as I part them, wanting to let him come closer. I lie back on the bed and pull him down on top of me. I can feel my pulse everywhere, all at once. He places his arm behind my back—if he tells me tohold on tohim again, I might go into cardiac arrest—but he doesn’t; he somehow manages to gracefully scoot us up on the bed so that my head is resting on the pillow.
“Thanks,” I whisper.
We start this sort of slow kiss, rocking our bodies together, and it feels so good to be this close to him. I’m holding my breath as his hand travels down my body until he’s touching me over my underwear. “Is this okay?” he whispers, kissing my neck right under my ear.
I manage to gather enough air in my lungs to say, “Yes.”
And then his hand, so warm against my stomach, dips down beneath my underwear, and I switch from barely breathing to breathing too fast. My heart races while he takes his time. Moving down my body slowly kissing, kissing everywhere, and when he rakes his teeth along my hip bone, I don’t even know what involuntary sound it is that I make. He gets to my underwear, and I don’t know what more I can possibly take. I have to close my eyes.
“Can I?” he asks, his fingers curling under the elastic band. I nod, and he must be looking at my face because he breathes, “Okay,” and starts sliding my underwear down. I open my eyes again, and he’s there kneeling between my legs, kissing my ankles, then my calves and knees. When he gets to my inner thighs, his mouth trailing closer and closer, I start to lose track of myself. He lowers himself to his stomach and wraps his arms around my legs, hands pressing down on my hips. Every part of me wants this, but the better it feels, the more I’m slipping away.
