Page 74 of The Way I Am Now
She sighs. “I know, sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“Jesus Christ. See?” she says, her voice shaking. “This is why. This is exactly why I didn’t want to let this get in.” She waves her hand through the air, this tiny space between us. “It ruins everything.”
“Hey, listen to me,” I tell her, reaching for her hand. “Everything’s fine, okay?”
She starts to shake her head.
“With us, I mean. Everything’s fine with us. Nothing can ruin this.” What I don’t say is thatitis already in. It’s always been there. “Let me come with you, though.”
“No.”
“Eden—”
“I won’t be able to do it if you’re there, Josh.”
I can’t imagine what my face is doing right now, but I try my best to wipe it clean of any reaction.
“No, what I mean is, I don’t want you to hear the details. I honestly don’t want anyone to hear any of this.” She pauses and looks at me, waiting, debating. “He’s going to be there. You really want to be in the same room with him?” she asks, but doesn’t wait for an answer. “I don’t.”
“So, you’re just gonna do it alone?”
“Yes.”
“What about your mom? I’m sure she’d want to—”
She shakes her head. “She’s testifying too, so she can’t be there for mine; I can’t be there for hers. And I wouldn’t want her to be there anyway. The only way I’m going to be able to do this is by myself.” She stares at me. “What? Why are you looking at me like that?”
“No—nothing. I’m just thinking. Just trying to understand.” Why would she rather do this alone when I’m offering to be there with her? I have so many questions, I barely know where to start. “But I thought your mom didn’t know anything about what happened. She didn’t, right?” I ask, because that would be incredibly fucked up if she did. But what I say is, “What is she going to testify about if she didn’t know?”
“Josh,” she moans, “puh-lease, please, I don’t want to—”
“I just want to help, Eden.” I touch her face, kiss her forehead before she can back away. “I just want to know what’s going on.”
She rolls onto her back and looks up at the ceiling. “My mom didn’t know. But she saw something. Something that she thought was something else.”
“What does that mean?” I ask. “What did she see?”
“The next morning, she saw blood on my nightgown and legs, the sheets.”
Blood. The word echoes in my head. My heart starts racing— no, it races, then stops abruptly, stuttering.
Eden clears her throat and continues, quieter. “She assumed I just got my period. I guess. I mean, why would she think anything else?” she adds, more to herself. “And that morning, I kind of tried to tell her—my brother too—but I didn’t actually tell them. I—I wasn’t clear. I wanted them to guess. I didn’t want to have to say it. I didn’t know how to say it. So, I don’t know. I think they want to know about that morning from my mom and Caelin’s perspectives.”
These are the details. Nightgown. Legs. Sheets. Blood. This is why she doesn’t want me there.
“See?” she asks. “You don’t feel any better knowing that, do you?”
“That’s not—that doesn’t matter, I . . .” I try to find the right thing to say, but I can’t.
“I’m getting tired,” she says, turning to press her back against me, pulling my arm around her again, ending the conversation. She brings my hand to her mouth and kisses my fingertips softly. “Thank you for offering, though, really.”
I try my best to relax, but my whole body is tense now. I hold her while she falls asleep and I try not to think about her blood or nightgown or legs or sheets. Try not to think about her waiting for someone to see, to guess, what had happened. And finally, I try not to imagine what I’d do if I ever found myself in a room with him again.
EDEN
It takes all my willpower to drag myself out of Josh’s bed the next morning. I pull my dress back on and gather my purse and sweater and shoes. He’s lying on his stomach with his arms around his pillow. I sit on the edge of his bed, allowing myself this rare moment of quiet to admire him. I run my hand along his back and lean over to kiss his shoulder, but he’s so tired he doesn’t wake up.
