Page 109 of Fade into You
“Dade, it’s not gonna happen. Never. And now we do need to talk.”
He collapses back on the couch, my rejection another breakup for him.
“I’m going to die alone,” he groans.
I put my hand on his socked foot, the least sexy place I can think of.
“You aren’t going to die alone. But that’s not what we need to talk about. We need to talk about us, our friendship.”
“Yeah,” he murmurs. “Wanna movie marathon tomorrow? Get things back in gear?”
“No,” I say, even though that’s exactly what I wanted a month ago. Hell, that’s what I wanted an hour ago. “I don’t think we’re good for each other.”
“I know, I know. You like girls.”
“No, Dade, it’s not just that. We were good as friends for a while, but something happened. We started insulting each other more. I thought it was okay to fuck with your relationship. You always thought it was okay to ignore me in school, in public. You were afraid to beseenwith me.” That statement hits hard, because even though my choice wasn’t as selfish with Bird, it still musthave felt similar. “You literally just thought it was okay to try to hook up with me. None of this is okay.”
“So we fix it,” he says, desperation in his voice.
“Can we? I’ve done some pretty crappy stuff during our friendship, said some worse things. You’re not clean either, but I think the blame game isn’t the one we want to play.”
“So what do we do?”
“We say goodbye. We say it was some really good years followed by a bad one, and we try in our next friendships to be better. At least that’s my plan.”
“There’s nothing to fix it?” he asks, but I can see no tears in his eyes. Just acceptance.
“No. But not all friendships are forever. You get the good memories, let the bad ones fade, and make new friends without forgetting to avoid the crap you did earlier.”
“Jesus, Jessa, did you find Zen or something?”
I stand up, pat him on the foot, and move to the stairs. “As Bush said, ‘Everything Zen,’ Dade.”
He chuckles as I walk out, or maybe he’s laughing-crying. I don’t know. I’m a little surprised that as I’m leaving, I hope the very best for him. No mean or vindictive feelings. But more than that, I hope that with Bird thereisa way to turn things around.
BIRD
I skipped school to spendthe past three days tending to Kayla. The first day she just cried nonstop until she fell asleep. She assumed Emmanuel had spread the rumors. He kind of did, so I let her believe it and I pretended to be as clueless as she was about the creator of the zine.
“Like, who would hate me that much to spend all that time making that thing?” she sobbed.
I shook my head like it was a mystery. Ihavegotten good at secrets… and lying.
“I’m never going back,” she said.
“To school?” I asked. “How?”
But she didn’t answer me.
When her parents came home from work, I told them she wasn’t feeling well.
I crept into my house that night and tried not to be around too much. I thought maybe the school would’ve called home and left a message or called my mom at work to confirm my absence and I’d get in trouble, but they didn’t. So I left my house thesecond morning and went straight to Kayla’s. She didn’t say much the second day. Mostly just stared into space.
We watched TV and I tried to get her to eat, but she said she couldn’t. She looked bad. She looked sick. I was so angry with Jessa I could barely think of anything else.
That afternoon I found a can of soup in the kitchen and made it for her.
She took a few bites and I started to think maybe this really was the thing that was going to turn her life back around. But five minutes later she was holding her stomach and running to the bathroom. I could hear her throwing up through the door.
