Page 118 of Fade into You
I nod. “She’s at the hospital.” She waits for me to explain, but I can’t.
“Do you want me to take you there, or…?”
I shake my head.
She looks around my dirty, bloodstained car, like she’s trying to think of somewhere to go. “Wanna get out of here? Like…away?” she asks.
I nod again. She knows what I need.
“Will you come to Boston with me?”
I crack a small smile, let out a small laugh. “Sure, let’s go toBoston.” Because why not drive the five hours to Boston, tonight of all nights? I will do anything with Bird, because she’s the only thing making sense to me right now.
“Okay. But I’m driving,” she says. I’m glad because all of a sudden I feel exhausted, like somehow every last bit of my energy was spent walking toward her in the street and once she let me back into her arms, the last of me sputtered out.
The pain is a come-and-go throbbing, keeping time with my heartbeat. I let the rhythm reverberate in me, a tangible sensation keeping me present, keeping me here with her. At first I don’t know what to say, but then I remember I already found the words; I’ve spent the past month curating the right ways to apologize, and the fifteenth iteration of Bird’sI’m Sorrymix puts it all together. I slide the CD from the sleeve I put it in, ready to drop in her locker after winter break.
Nirvana hits it right on the head with “All Apologies.” We listen through a couple of more tracks—Evanescence’s new one, “Forgive Me,” and the classic “Always on My Mind” by Willie Nelson.
“You were,” I say.
“Hmm?” Bird exits her own reverie.
“Always on my mind. This whole time apart, you’ve never left my brain for even a second.”
She nods. I can tell there’s something she wants to say, but she’s holding it in. She’s acting like we’re okay, but I’m afraid this time something has changed that won’t go back, that somehow I’ve put a crack in the windshield and as soon as it gets cold, the whole thing will shatter.
I place my good hand over her free hand and look at her, this amazing person who has never asked me to be different, has never asked me to hide, has only encouraged me into so much good, and a mix of hope and some kind of self-blame builds up inside me. The CD is good, but it isn’t enough. I need to give her something of mine. Let the ice burn away and be honest with her.
“I should never have done the thing with the zines,” I admit. “It was wrong.”
She nods and I see tears again. I want to kiss them away, but right now is the time for careful distance.
“I should have told you about my idea,” I continue. “Let you find a better way to approach the rumors, and think more about all of it.”
“Jessa.” She’s finally talking. “It wasn’t that you needed to tell me. It’s just, you were so focused on this idea that you have to protect me that you ended up hurting people. I know a lot about this. And I know hurting other people hurts you, too. I mean, your words and actions matter more than you think. That’s what has been so frustrating for me—it’s like you didn’t even realize that.”
There it is. Truth from Bird. It burns. I swallow my arguments, because they don’t help and they certainly will drive her further away. I’m not Loner Jessa forgotten by the school populace, I’m not operating in a void, I have people who listen to me and who I care about, and I can hurt them. I guess I never even considered that because I was always so concerned about people hurting me.
“But,” Bird adds, “I made choices too. Not telling you, not trusting you. I know that hurt you. And for that I am incredibly sorry.”
Damn, she’s so good at this. She opens up and lets me in without fear. The least I can do is try to do the same.
“I think I understand why you didn’t. You had to keep her confidence. And it would have been impossible to get me not to tell Dade. And I’m sorry for cutting you off while I figured that out. I should have talked more and not gone into my head.”
She nods again, eyes laser-focused on the road. “That was really hard. The part where you cut me off, I mean.”
“Yeah, it was. You know, before I heard about the rumors and stuff and made all these very bad choices, I was going to give you this CD and apologize. I don’t know if old Jessa could have done that, but you taught me tothinkat least a little bit.”
She smiles, and it’s like Christmas finally showed up for all the joy in me.
“Want to know what I think?”
I do.
“I think you try to protect me and Dade and others because in a lot of ways you can’t really protect Mack—you can’t protect her from her sickness.”
It hits like a truck. And I think I’m gonna cry but then I start laughing, this weird, alien noise that’s choking and wild and loud, and Bird isn’t laughing but is waiting to hear what’s going on. I calm myself down.
