Page 68 of Fade into You
“People never talk about this part of the movie, and it’s my favorite,” I whisper to Jessa.
“Why?” she says, leaning close to me so I can hear her.
“The way Rose and Jack’s epic love story would’ve never been told had some treasure hunters not been searching for a mythic diamond in the wreckage on the floor of the Atlantic Ocean.”
She nods, looks thoughtfully at the screen. “I guess so.” Then she whispers, “The shipwreck is a pretty awesome liminal space too.”
I smile, loving that the whole liminal space idea has become our thing. She smiles back, even though she holds the popcorn firmly between us. I have my arm on our shared armrest, a hopeful, if silent, invitation to get closer to me.
The longer we sit here next to each other, the harder it is to pay attention to the movie. I keep thinking about how we’re likeRose and Jack, so different—Rose all uptight and proper (me) and Jack all freewheeling and cool (Jessa)—but somehow we justgeteach other.
Oh god, I’m in trouble. Because here I am, moving closer and closer to her by microscopic increments, imagining that we could be some kind of epic love story, and she’s munching on handfuls of popcorn like she doesn’t even notice my arm has been sitting there for going on an hour, falling asleep while waiting on her to reciprocate.
I’m so preoccupied by our arms that somehow the scene sneaks up on me. I finally move my arm back into my lap and take a sip of root beer, trying to get blood flowing out to my fingers again.
It’s the nude scene. Where Jack draws Rose wearing the diamond necklace—wearingonlythe necklace. I try my best not to give any outward indication of how I am internally squirming.
Jessa’s arm lifts up to the armrest as she shifts the popcorn bucket to her other hand.Don’t overthink, Bird.They’re just hands. And this is a sexy, romantic, meaningful scene and just last weekend our hands were all over each other’s bodies. It’s just holding hands in a dark theater where no one can see us.
I let my arm fall in beside hers on the armrest, let it sit there for a few moments while Jack sketches Rose’s eyes, her face. Then carefully, I gently curl my fingers inside her palm and… she doesn’t flinch. No, she jumps and practically throws the popcorn in my face, making me spill the root beer all over our laps.
“Shhhit!”she hisses. “Sorry, I’m so sorry,” she’s saying, noteven looking at me before she’s standing up and scooting her way out of the aisle, drawing everyone’s attention. I wait a few minutes. But something tells me she’s not coming back.
I find her alone in the bathroom, scrubbing at the spilled soda on her shirt and pants.
When she sees me standing there behind her in the mirror, she looks down into the sink and shakes her head. “I am so sorry. I cannot believe I just did that. I’m—I’m sorry.”
“Jessa, stop,” I tell her. “Look at me?”
I walk over and turn off the faucet.
“What are you doing?”
“Do you regret what we did together?” I blurt out.
“No,” she answers right away.
“Then why won’t you look at me? I was just trying to hold your hand, and clearly you don’t want to touch me or you don’t want me to touch you. If you don’t like me like that, just say it. Please. Just tell me. I won’t be mad,” I say, channeling Silas’s words. I’d be fucking heartbroken, but not mad. “Just tell me,” I repeat. “Please?”
JESSA
She’s hurt, I can seeit in her eyes, the way they’ve gone bright with the prediction of tears. I didn’t want to hurt her, I wanted to keep her safe. I didn’t want her to go through everything I’ve been through. I don’t want to push her into something she’s not ready for. She had a boyfriend that she wanted, a boyfriend she even had sex with, so she can be straight. Why would anyone choose what I live with when the socially acceptable option is available?
“Say something,” she says, and now the tears are in her voice, too. I want to stay strong and keep pretending this can be something light and casual, but she’s not getting it and I can’t hurt her anymore.
“I…” I look down at my feet. “Bird, you don’t want this.”
She wraps her arms around her torso, like she’s protecting herself from me. Like I’m not the one protecting her.
“How can you tell me what I want?”
“I know it’s exciting and edgy, but I’m not a tourist attraction you want to stop at. There are repercussions for—”
“You arenota tourist attraction!”
I soak more paper towels at the sink and continue scrubbing at my shirt, the brown stain most definitely permanent. “Bird, this isn’t a fling or fun or anything nice. If people see us, if they hear about us, if we even spend more time together than normal, they’re gonna come after you, too.”
She’s superhumanly fast as she closes in and grabs the paper towels and sets them on the counter, then takes my hands in hers. This time I don’t pull back.
