Page 71 of Fade into You
“Are you supposed to be my mom? Oh wait, never mind, you’re actually here.” He finishes an area, leans far back in his chair, and stretches, then shoves out a hand. “All right, gimme, let’s get this started.”
He looks at me finally and realizes there’s no GameStop bag. “Uh, Jessa, where’s the game?”
“I…” I want to talk to him, I want to tell him about Bird, but I know he’ll tell Kayla and I don’t want to share before Bird does. I don’t want to fuck anything up. “I got your cash,” I say, and hold out the twenties he gave me. “They were out.”
He eyes me, and I know he sees the lie. “I saw you at the movie, you know,” he says, and stands up, leading me out back and sparking a cigarette. “I thought you hatedTitanic.”
“I thought you did too, but you were there.” Real smooth.
“I went because Kayla wanted me there. I saw Bird too. Did you go for her?”
I don’t want her secrets spilled. I can’t trust Dade. I can’t trust anyone but her right now, and it’s an uncomfortable feelingbecause Iwasthere for Bird. More than any hope of a Dade-La explosion, I was there to be with her.
“No, I just…”
“Jessa, I want to ask something, and if I’m just paranoid, then tell me to fuck off.”
“You can probably preemptively fuck off.”
“Come on, it’s serious. I’ve been thinking.”
“Nowthatis extremely serious. Why on earth would you think?”
He gives me a stink eye that shuts me up.
“Look, these past few weeks, it seems like you and Bird are planning a lot of stuff for all of us, and while I appreciate it, they kinda suck. I just… are you doing these things because Bird wants them? Or, and I may be an idiot to think this, are you fucking with me and Kayla?”
Heat and shame hit me hard, flushing up my face, stealing my voice, blanking out my mind. Dade isn’t stupid. He put shit together. He’s right… and wrong.
“Jessa, you know you shouldn’t chase straight girls.”
“She’s not…” I stop myself, almost exposing us. There’s only one choice. “I… well… I thought if you did more challenging stuff with Kayla, you might realize she isn’t right for you.”
He nods, takes a last drag, grinds the butt out in an ashtray, lights another. He hasn’t said a word. I want to say more, but nothing will really fix the mess I just admitted to.
He lets out a soft exhale of frustration. “You’re fucking with me and Kayla. I thought I was being paranoid, but you are. Why?”
I have a million reasons, but all of them seem too stupid tobring up now. Especially after the most epically amazing evening of my life. Especially when he’s looking at me with some kind of disappointment and a lot of anger, it all seems really fucking stupid.
I’m trying to protect you.
I’m trying to save you.
I’m trying to save our friendship.
I’m trying to save our future.
“I… I don’t know. I guess I was just hoping that maybe you’d see that Kayla isn’t…”
“Don’t make this about Kayla,” he grumbles, and takes a long pull off his cigarette, blowing out a cloud that dissipates slowly. I can’t help but feel we are dissipating now, not even falling to pieces but just blending into the atmosphere. “You are doing this tome, not her, and it’s messing with my life.”
“Your life has become nothing but Kayla.”
“Jesus, Jessa! It’s not about Kayla! I’m in a relationship. They take time, effort, and I can’t sit around and watch movies with you or play at journalism when I’m trying to build this into something. For fuck’s sake, I think I actually love this woman, and here you are constantly shitting on her and literally screwing with us because you’re what, jealous?! I mean, you planned shit to mess us up, what is that?”
“It’s not jealousy….”
“It’s something, Jessa, and it’s not okay. None of this is okay.”
