Page 96 of Fade into You
“Iwas.”
“No, you weren’t. He went from being a maggoty little douchebag saying some dumb shit to being a big angry fucking guy with something to prove because you antagonized him.”
“He was antagonizingus!”
“I know, but that doesn’t matter. Wrong and right don’t matter. Do you even realize you were seconds away from getting this scalding coffee right in your face?” She holds up her hand so I can see the burn mark, raw and pink. “Or worse. Okay?” she adds, and I can tell she’s holding back tears. “Sometimes you have to just walk away, Bird. When it’s three guys and just us, you have to walk away. You get that, right?”
I think it’s the first time I’ve seen real fear in her face, and it’s cold and sobering and scary, because I thought in so many ways Jessa was so fierce and tough that she could stand up to anything, defeat anyone, but she’s right. We both could have gotten really hurt.
“Yeah. I—I—I get it. I’m s-sorry.”
We fill up the tank and I get a cup of ice for Jessa’s hand. We switch spots so I’m driving again. We’re quiet for a long time. Jessa doesn’t use the ice. She doesn’t even soundtrack us.
“This morning started out so beautiful,” I say out loud, looking at the country road sprawling open in front of us. “This weekend was the best. Just us. Together. It was perfect. And I feel like they just ruined it all.”
She places her hand on my knee, and when I glance over at her, she’s turned all the way toward me in her seat, her eyes so soft and calm now. “Those guys are fucking nobodies. We’re not letting them ruin anything. They don’t get to ruin this amazing, special, wonderful weekend you planned for us.”
“Really?”
“No fucking way.” She brings my hand to her mouth and kisses it. “Think you can get us lost on the way home?”
“I can try,” I tell her.
“Good.” She smiles. “I’ll queue up some getting-lost music.”
JESSA
It’s the Monday before Thanksgivingbreak. I can barely see that little burn on my hand anymore, so I don’t know why I can still feel it. Bird is catching up on something in the library, so I’m solo for lunch. It’s quiet today. There are definitely fewer people outdoors now that the weather’s turning colder, but I’d rather freeze my nonexistent nuts off than spend one second in the cafeteria with Olivia Fucking Rubens.
Or at least itwasquiet. Emmanuel’s sauntering down the sidewalk and I know he’s coming to talk to me. I’ve noticed this happening more often with people… first it was just Bird, back when we were only plotting together, then Bri and Paige would drop by from time to time. Word has gotten out, and my space has become anything but liminal. Every few days someone from a class stops by, makes that annoying motion for me to remove my headphones, and then asks me something. My standing A in precalc has gotten me a lot of tutoring requests, which I have to turn down because the way I think through math is nothing like our instructor.
The big influx of visitors occurred after our first couple of editions of theBulletinwent out, which included my reviews of some local shows. More than one student started their own “underground” band and wanted me to cover their set. I figure Emmanuel is gonna ask for a review as well, but turns out I’m wayyyy off base.
“?’Sup?” he says, once I pull my headphones down.
“Hey, Emmanuel, how’s it going?”
“Awesome, Jessa. I just wanted to thank you for giving me the DL on Kayla and getting her to Touchstone. We have a thing going and it’s hot, all thanks to you.”
He extends a hand in a high five, which is awkward on so many levels, and I just keep staring up at him from my crouch on the sidewalk.
“What do you mean, a thing?”
He shrugs, puts his hands in his pockets, and gives me a doofy grin. “You know, we’ve been hooking up. It’s sweet. Kayla is wiiiiild, too. Absolute fucking beast. Anyway, thanks.”
“Oh,” I say, the information still not settled in my head.
“You gonna be at the Touchstone tonight for the Hardcore Holidays show?”
“Yeah…”
“Sweet, we’re on second, see you then,” he says, and walks away. The clouds clear enough for me to see the shitstorm for what it is.
Kayla. Is cheating. On Dade.
Screw the school rules, I pull out my cell and call Dade’s number. It goes straight to voicemail, which is not surprising.He never has his phone on—I would always tell him I didn’t know why his mom would agree to keep paying for it if he never wanted anyone to reach him. I let him know we have to talk about something important. I can’t just tell him on voicemail that he’s getting screwed over. EvenIknow that’s mean.
Inside, I feel confused. I mean, this is the end of them, right? It’s what I wanted, but somehow it feels shitty. Dade said he might be in love with her. When this started, love was kinda a fake bullshit thing to me that was about as real as my concept of god. Now, with Bird, I have an idea of why Dade vanished on me. I mean, I’d be better about it, but it’s hard when you just want to be with that one person all the time. Especially when you have school, hiding from your parents, college applications, and all the other day-to-day crap. It seems like there’s so little time all of a sudden when before, the days spread out like the endless drum solo in “In-a-Gadda-Da-Vida.”
