Page 98 of Fade into You
“That Saturday, after the mill town, after…”
After we said,I love you.
She looks at me and I see guilt on her face. She had to know this was wrong.
“What the fuck, Bird? Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Kayla told me in private. It was in confidence.”
“Kayla, who shared lies about your summer boyfriend, deservesconfidentiality?” I’m standing now, my voice is rising in pitch, I can feel control slipping away. I can feel the anger Mack gets, sudden and white-hot. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster, dipping between rage and grief.She lied.But am I overreacting? Am I about to tip down that ride I can’t get off? The fear adds in, and my emotions are a muddy puddle ready to trip me up.
“You would have gone right to Dade,” she says.
“Because it’s theright thing to do!”
What really hurts is that she kept it fromme. We share everything these days. Car rides, lunches, beds, secrets. Or at least I thought we did.
“Jessa, please. Okay, maybe it was a bad judgment call, but I didn’t feel like I could—”
“Jesus, Bird, I told you I loved you, and you’re keeping secrets for her? Secrets that affect me and my best friend?” For a moment, I thought things were changing, that Bird had gone beyond a girlfriend and a love and taken Dade’s spot as my best friend. But lies, she knows how all the lies in my life weigh on me. At least Dade didn’t lie. “What else haven’t you told me?” The accusation comes out bitter and mean.
“Nothing! I swear.” Big tears roll down her face. I hate that I’m doing this to her, but something in me can’t stop, somethingin me won’t let go of this. It hits deep, this betrayal. “Jessa, please, I just didn’t think it would do any good.”
“And look what it’s doing now.” I spit the words out, looking away from her, angry she gets tears while my feelings just eat at me inside. I feel like letting all the awful, cruel parts of me tear at her in this moment, anything to keep away that knife that is slowly slicing into my heart. I stand up and start toward the door.
“Jessa, you don’t know all the particulars with Kayla right now. It—it—it’s—” She’s struggling. “She’s messed up and… Please, let’s talk this out.”
“You really don’t want to hear what I have to say right now.” I keep everything down, push it to where all the other anger and hurt lives, that horrible roiling pit in me, because no matter how agonizing it is to hold back, I just can’t let myself unload the poison on her. I need to get away. I need to punch something. I need to find a fucking void and scream into it. I need to go into a mosh pit, lie down, and let every last footfall stomp me into nothing.
“I need out,” I choke when she tries to catch my hand.
“From me? Jessa, are you breaking up with me?”
She’s all tears now, crying hard. The words slam into me and I know they aren’t right. Something smart in my brain sayshold up. I let go of her hand.
“No, but I need a break.”
Dade’s words in my mouth.
“Well…” she mutters, her voice so sad. “H-how long of a b-break?”
“I don’t know. I’ll call you.”
As I walk away and she starts crying harder, I know how shefeels with the not-knowing, but I also know that until I get control, I’m not gonna know how long I need either.IfI get control, that awful mad voice inside hisses at me.
When I get to the car, I slam the steering wheel so hard my hands turn numb. I thought I’d changed. I haven’t. I thought I was better now than I used to be. Kinder, warmer, softer. But I’m not. I pump up Tool and peel out, heat on my cheeks telling me the tears finally made their way to the surface.
BIRD
It’s almost six o’clock thenight before Thanksgiving. I don’t understand. It hasn’t even been forty-eight hours, but I really thought she’d call by now. I thought by now she’d realize she completely overreacted and she’d want to hear my side of the story. Every time the thought creeps in—what if this is it, what if she decides she doesn’t care about my reasons or my side or me—I try to push it away. We’re stronger than that. What we have is real. We’ll get through this.
But every minute that passes makes it harder to hold those thoughts back.
I’ve been lying in bed, staring at the ceiling for hours, listening to that Mazzy Star song on repeat, closing my eyes and replaying our perfect night together in the ghost town. Suddenly there’s a knock on my bedroom door. I jump up from my bed. Of course she’d show up instead of call.
I can feel the smile on my face collapse, the fizzy jolt of adrenaline that had my heart pumping fast just a second earlier,draining from me as soon as I see Charlie standing there on the other side of my door.
I should be happy to see him, but I can barely fake a smile.
