Page 107 of Reign
“Exactly! How do I know that history won’t repeat itself? That he won’t get upset by the constraints of being king consort and run off when things get tough?”
“Oh, Béatrice. You cannot know that. You can never be certain of anything except your own decisions.”
“Well, that’s comforting,” Beatrice said drily.
Louise stared at her. “Sometimes you have to believe in things you can’t get proof of. It’s called faith. Like the way you knew you could trust me tonight,” she added. “That was faith, wasn’t it?”
“More like a memory I couldn’t grasp hold of,” Beatrice replied, but Louise’s words had given her pause.
Despite the Pledge of Allegiance she had recited thousands of times in her life, despite all the people who got on one knee before her and swore to serve her “in faith and loyalty,” Beatrice had never been good with the concept of faith. It felt too much like blind hope. She was her father’s daughter, and felt far more comfortable in the realm of facts and hard evidence.
She wanted to ask how Louise and Alexei were dealing with this, but didn’t quite know how to phrase it. “When did you realize that Alexei was the one?” she asked instead.
Louise frowned. “I don’t like that expression,the one.It implies that there’s only one person who fits with you, and love doesn’t work that way. It’s not like romance novels and ballads make it sound—some kind of lightning-bolt moment that happenstoyou, through no choice or agency on your part, and suddenly you’re hot and bothered about someone you barely know. That is infatuation, and physical attraction.” Louise shrugged. “When you feel that way about someone,act on it, if you’d like. But that doesn’t mean you should build your life or your future around that person.”
“So you think love is a choice?”
Louise twirled her empty wineglass. “Love is a conscious decision that you have to make over and over: committing to someone, choosing not to be with anyone else. Some days you will make each other happy, and some days you will disappoint or hurt each other. But even when Alexei breaks my heart, I choose to love him, and that is better than never getting to love at all.”
“And you think it’s worth it, despite the obstacles.”
Louise looked almost amused at that. “Obstaclesis putting it mildly. Neither of us wants to give up our throne.” She paused for a moment before adding, “That’s part of why I wanted to talk to you tonight. I have some news.”
“Yes?” Beatrice prompted.
“Alexei proposed to me.”
Beatrice let out a sound that was vaguely like a squeak. “Louise! That’s exciting,” she exclaimed, recovering.
“You’re the only person I’ve told. It’s not like we’re about to make a big announcement.” Louise caught Beatrice stealing a glance at her hand and smiled sadly. “He gave me a ring, but I can’t exactly wear it.”
As future rulers, Louise and Alexei were expected to marry—but to marry someone who would serve as a supportive spouse. If they wanted a real future together, either Louise would have to renounce her rights and move to Russia as his tsarina, or Alexei would have to go to France as her king consort. There was no way for them to be together and rule their respective nations.
“Congratulations,” Beatrice said, striving for optimism. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have talked about myself for so long when you had big news!”
“It’s okay. Your news is more pressing, and mine…” Louise trailed off. “It’s not as if we have a plan.”
Beatrice knew what her friend meant by that. She and Alexei hadn’t yet agreed which one of them would give everything up for the other.
“Are you really considering walking away from it all?” she whispered.
“I don’t know. All I know is that I cannot imagine my life without him.” Louise hesitated, then added, “Béatrice—you are the one who inspired me to try to make things work with Alexei.”
“I did?”
“When you told me that you looked up to me. You said that you’d always thought I was so tough, that I made decisions for myself and not for other people.” Louise smiled softly. “It made me want to become the person that you thought I was. Being brave or true to ourselves…it’s not exactly something that princesses are trained in.”
“No, it’s not,” Beatrice agreed.
Despite the wine, despite the warmth of the hot tub, she felt light and buoyant instead of drowsy.
She had always carried her burdens in quiet isolation. It was nice to have a friend she could talk things over with, to let someone else share her half-formed thoughts.
Beatrice knew that she loved Teddy. And what was love if not a form of faith? When you fell in love, you took your whole heart and gave it into someone else’s keeping.
If Louise was really putting her entire position on the line for Alexei, then maybe Beatrice should have a little more trust, too. In Teddy, and in herself.
Daphne yawned and burrowed deeper into the duvet. Her entire body felt sated and deliciously heavy, as if she’d turned to human taffy.
