Page 102 of A Queen's Match
“Looks like you have company, Alix. Johann and I will make ourselves scarce,” Ernie said meaningfully. Johann nodded, folding the ladder before following Ernie out into thehall.
Alix ran a hand nervously over her dress, then walked out to greet Maximilian.
After that conversation with Hélène, after rereading those letters from Nicholas, Alix had agonized about what to do. In the end, she’d written to Maximilian, asking him to come see her.
“Alix!” Maximilian was off his horse in a fluid movement, then bounded up the stone steps toward her. A groom silently emerged to take his steaming horse to the stables.
“Thank you for coming.” Alix opened the door, gesturing him inside, to the warmth.
Maximilian surprised her by pulling her into a hug, right there on the front steps. He brushed a kiss on her brow. “I’m sorry about your cousin. I wish I could have gone to London with you.” He’d been stuck in Potsdam doing business with the kaiser, who was increasingly coming to rely on Maximilian as a statesman. Probably because German politicians were usually known for their bluster and swagger, rather than their tact. Maximilian, reasonable and logical, was something of a rarity.
Alix led Maximilian to a sofa in the main drawing room, where the half-decorated tree stood proudly in a corner. “You know, I haven’t been to many funerals,” she said clumsily. “This one felt different from the others I’ve seen, my mother’s and Frittie’s. Those were quiet, whereas Eddy’s was all gun salutes and battalions of marching soldiers.”
“And yet I’m sure you felt it all over again, didn’t you? The loss of your mother, and Frittie.”
Of course she had. That was the nature of loss; it compounded itself, made you think of other losses, other griefs. Alix had wept at the funeral—for Eddy and for Hélène, but also for her mother. For her tiny baby brother, who’d hardly gotten a chance to live.
“I was wondering if we could talk,” Alix began, feeling awkward.
Maximilian frowned in concern. “Of course. Is everything all right?”
Looking at him, in that moment, Alix saw everything he felt for her written plainly on his face. It almost made her second-guess her decision. He was so warm, so sincere. So true to himself and the people he loved.
No. She had to do it now, before she lost her nerve.
“I am sorry, Maximilian, but we cannot keep courting,” she said as gently as she could.
The silence between them pulsed with hurt and confusion. Maximilian didn’t speak right away. He was looking very steadily into the distance, working something out in his mind.
“You are back with him, aren’t you?” he guessed. “The other young man, the one you loved?”
Alix shook her head. “I will probably never see him again. But that doesn’t change the fact that I cannot keep seeingyou.”
“Alix.” Maximilian clasped her hands in his. “If things with him are truly over, then what is keeping you from seeking happiness elsewhere? Because I know we could be happy together, you and I.”
He was right; they could have been happy together. Maximilian had wooed her so beautifully, from the very day they met, when he’d walked with her in the Buckingham Palace gardens and given her the space she’d asked for. He had always given her what she asked, had respected her wishes the entire time she’d known him.
Things were soeasywith Maximilian, so safe. Free of heartache and pain and secrets and lies.
But Nicholas had always hovered between them. No matter how hard Alix had tried to forget him.
If she had never met Nicholas, Alix might have been so happy with Maximilian. But for better or worse, shehadmet Nicholas. Hélène was right; Alix couldn’t let herself settle for anything less than…true love? Passion? She didn’t know how to describe what she felt for Nicholas; it was wild andlimitless and impossible and heartbreaking and deliriously wonderful. Even when it hurt.
“You are such a good man, Maximilian. You deserve someone who loves you wholeheartedly, and I could never give you the whole of my heart.”
He was watching her intently. Alix knew he could read the emotions on her face, the anguish and regret.
“I see,” he replied, though she knew that he didn’t see, not at all.
“For what it’s worth, I hope we can remain friends,” she added.
Maximilian’s voice was sharper than she had ever heard it as he said, “Alix, don’t do me the disservice of pretending I can be your friend. You know I will never think of you as just a friend.”
“I’m sorry,” she said again, voice breaking.
Maximilian stood stiffly. “I should be getting back now. Of course, if you are ever passing through Baden, you are always welcome.”
“Thank you.” They both knew that Alix would never be passing through Baden. It would be cruel to strain his hospitality in that way.
