Page 109 of A Queen's Match
And she had managed to throw that love away. She would have a loveless marriage after all, just like her parents.
As she watched the man she loved walk away from her, May realized, for the first time in her life, what it felt to be truly, achingly alone.
Chapter Forty
Alix
The Stadtkirche, the Lutheran churchof Darmstadt, was only a stone’s throw from the ducal manor; Alix could see her own front door through the stained glass. The window depicted a pastoral Jesus, holding a shepherd’s staff and surrounded by sheep. When Alix got restless as a child, her mother used to walk her over to the window, where she would press her daughter’s chubby toddler hands to the glass.Red, blue, yellow,her mother would murmur, naming the colors as Alix touched each one—and then again in German,rot, blau, gelb,and then in French,rouge, bleu, jaune.Alix could hear the echo of her mother’s voice even now, whispering past the stone font where Alix had been baptized, past the tarnished bronze candlesticks and the faded Gobelins tapestry on thewall.
Looking around the chapel, Alix felt that she could see the entire circle of her existence. This wedding probably seemed quaint to some of the wedding guests—to Aunt Marie in her furs and glittering tiara; or to Aunt Vicky and the cousins from Prussia. Or to May and George, who sat near Uncle Bertie in one of the front pews, both oddly subdued and seeming to avoid each other’s gaze. George wore a black armband on his sleeve, and May’s gown was the palelavender of half mourning, as if anyone here was in danger of forgetting that they were still grieving Eddy. According to the official narrative, that shared grief was what had drawn them together. Their own wedding was set for later this year—though they didn’t seem especially lovestruck to Alix.
Alix glanced a few rows back, to where Hélène sat with her parents. She was so surprised, and grateful, that her friend had made the trip from Normandy.I needed to see where you grew up!Hélène had exclaimed last night, when they stayed up far too late, exchanging stories about the past months.Besides,Hélène had added, with a ghost of her old playfulness,it was getting a teensy bit boring, being in the country. There’s only so much apple picking one can do.
Darmstadt was hardly a great urban destination, but Hélène didn’t seem to mind. After the wedding, the Orléans family was going on an extended tour of Italy. The sunshine would do Hélène some good, Alix thought—though she suspected, in some small way, that her friend was already healing.
She looked to where Ernie stood at the altar, waiting for the ceremony to begin. Alix saw him glance at the church’s main double doors—then he stared at Alix, his eyes bright with concern.
Somehow, even before she turned, she knew she would see Nicholas.
He wasn’t supposed to be here. Alix’s sister Ella had come from St.Petersburg a few days ago, along with her husband Sergei, who had given the couple a wedding gift on behalf of the Romanovs.
Yet here was Nicholas, achingly handsome in his uniform and knee-high boots.
He met Alix’s gaze as he settled on the bride’s side of the church. Which was only fair, since Ducky was his first cousin.
The wedding passed in a blur. Alix felt like her heart was hammering the entire time, her body tingling with awareness at Nicholas’s nearness. Before she realized it, the priest was intoning the final blessing and Ernie and Ducky were walking down the aisle, amid applause and a crescendo of organ music.
As the guests began filing out of the Stadtkirche, a hand brushed Alix’s elbow.
“Please, Alix,” Nicholas said softly. “Walk with me?”
She nodded, not trusting herself to speak, and gestured toward the back of the church. Its pillars were wreathed in ivy and rosemary—there should have been white roses, except that it was impossible to get roses in Germany this early in the year. Beneath the flagstones lay the crypt where her entire family was buried: her grandparents, her brother Frittie. Her mother.
“Nicholas, I—”
“I came to—”
They had both spoken at the same time, clumsy and flushing. Alix held out a hand, gesturing that he should go first.
“It was a lovely wedding,” Nicholas began, seeming unsure of himself.
“You didn’t need to come.”
He flinched at her bluntness. “Of course I came. I wanted to see you.” He hesitated, then added, “Is it true, about you and Maximilian of Baden?”
“We were courting, but I ended things.”
Nicholas’s deep blue eyes met hers, cautious, hopeful.
“Dare I hope…Is it because of me that you broke it off?”
Of course it is,Alix thought, tears rising to her eyes.Everythingis because of you. No matter how hard I try to forget you, no matter how easy things were with Maximilian, I keep running back here. To you.
“Yes,” she said simply.
Nicholas stepped forward then. He seized Alix’s shoulders with both hands—roughly, almost desperately—and lowered his mouth to hers.
Alix felt like she’d been hibernating all these months without him. Like she’d been half dreaming, and now she’d been brutally shaken awake.
