Page 110 of A Queen's Match
She still loved Nicholas. She would probably always love him, with a love that terrified her, and thrilled her, and shook her to the core.
When they pulled apart, Nicholas fell to one knee, dust motes dancing around his head in the afternoon light.
“I love you,” he said fiercely. “Please, marry me.”
Alix stared at him. Misreading her silence, he kept talking.
“I know that I am asking a lot of you. I wish that I were an ordinary man, and loving me was simple and uncomplicated.” He gestured to his uniform, with its sash and brass buttons and high Romanov collar. “But I was born into this family and these responsibilities. My future, narrow as it is, was laid out for me the moment I was born. You, of course, are still free to make a different choice. Selfishly, I hope that you don’t.”
Alix tugged him to his feet. “But—your parents. Did you convince them to change their minds?”
“Youdid that,” Nicholas said proudly. At her confused look, he explained. “My father is very ill, Alix. The doctors say it is kidney disease.”
“What is the treatment?”
Nicholas’s expression faltered. “There is no treatment. He might live weeks, perhaps months, but we are saying our goodbyes.”
“Oh, Nicholas. I’m sorry.”
The tsar was so formidable, a bear of a man: it seemed impossible that he could be struck down by illness like any ordinary mortal. Surely he could only be killed by some mythical weapon that was guarded by dragons.
Now, though, Alix understood why the tsar had gone to Baden-Baden. He wasn’t just taking the waters; he’d been searching for a miracle cure.
“After we left the regatta last summer, I told my parents that I refused to marry Hélène. That I refused to marry anyone but you, actually. I said I would remain a bachelor forever, and the Romanov line could continue through Misha. I think I was starting to wear them down,” Nicholas admitted, “until I heard about you and Maximilian.”
He sighed, staring down at his shoes. “I know how much you love your home. He seemed so perfect for you, and I thought—you deserved to be happy, even if that happiness was not with me.”
Alix reached a hand instinctively toward Nicholas, and he laced their fingers gratefully, as if she were a lifeline.
“I told myself that the right thing to do was to let you go. That I was being noble by staying away,” Nicholas went on. “But I couldn’t stop loving you, and wanting you, and missing you. Even if I knew that you belonged with Maximilian, in a life that made you happy.”
“Youmake me happy,” Alix assured him.
“My father must have taken a turn for the worse, becausehe called me into his room and gave me this.” Nicholas let go of her hand so that he could withdraw a velvet pouch from his jacket pocket. “He said I should give it to you, that you would know what it meant.”
Alix took the pouch from Nicholas and slid its contents onto her palm. She realized, startled, that it was the tsarina’s pearl necklace. The pearls gleamed an unearthly blue-gray in the dim light.
“Father told me that he saw you in Baden-Baden. He said that he and Mother talked to you, asked about you and Maximilian—I’m sorry about that, by the way,” Nicholas added, wincing. “Father told me that you stood up to him. Did you really shout that you aren’t his subject, and he couldn’t tell you what to do?”
“I’m not sure Ishouted,exactly.” Alix let the pearls slide through her fingers, the stones cool and heavy. Nicholas didn’t seem to know that his parents had tried to bribe her, but she decided not to mention it.
“My father was impressed. He said that I was right about you—that you’re made of stronger stuff than he had realized.Go get her,he told me.I’d like to see you married before I die.”
Nicholas spoke of his father’s death so matter-of-factly that Alix couldn’t help it. She threw her arms around him, pulling him into a hug.
How strange that Alix’s impertinence, her sheer rudeness, was the reason she finally got the Romanovs’ blessing. But then, wasn’t that what people said about bullies—that they only responded to a show of strength?
“Please, Alix.” Nicholas murmured into her ear. “I wish I could undo all my mistakes. I should have fought harder forus; I should never have taken you for granted. I know I don’t deserve you, but also—I don’t know how to face any of this without you.”
Alix was still holding the pearls, balled up in one hand. It hit her then, in a way it hadn’t before: how deeply permanent this decision was. How absolutely certain she needed to be.
Nicholas would be tsar. Not someday, but soon.
Choosing him meant an entirely new life, leaving behind everything that felt safe and familiar. Moving to Russia. Taking on public appearances, which always triggered her episodes. Learning a new religion, a new language; organizing grand court balls and visiting the sick, and doing it all in a country she knew nothing about.
Alix looked at Nicholas’s face, so handsome and hopeful, and she knew that she would do anything—make any sacrifice—to be with him. It simply wasn’t a question.
“Yes,” she whispered.
