Page 104 of Ellie Hayes and the Himbos
I nod, weakly, a sense of defeat mingling with the terror. I release my grip on his wrists, and he slides his arms around me. He starts to pull me closer, but I resist, the final, unspoken fears holding me back from surrender.
“What if it’s bad?” I whisper. “Really bad?”
“You’re thinking about the worst—”
“Because that’s what I always get.”
“And you always find a way. You had a bad time teaching, but now, you have your own business doing what you loved most about that experience. You moved into the Dawghouse and turned it into a functional household. You found a disgusting bathroom and got me.”
I choke out a laugh.
He half smiles. “You saw value in what I do, and got me to see it, too.”
“I told you.” I can feel the praise softening me. “You make it easy.”
He runs his hands up and down my arms. “Your body has betrayed you before, but you adapted. And you’re going to do that here. I hate that you’re going to have to do it. But if there’s anyone who can, it’s you.”
“But what if I’m not me anymore?” The question is wrenched from me in pieces, bringing with it the last, ruinous truth. “Ian, I could loseeverythingthat makes me who I am. And I’m only just figuring it out. There’s still so much that I don’t know if I can do! I want to climb ropes and carry stupid, heavy shit and have stimmy sex with you after and be useful to the people I care about in ways I haven’t even come up with yet. A few months ago, I didn’t even know any of it was possible. It’s new and incredible and empowering and I love it, and I might loseallof it.”
“Not all of it,” he says. “And not me.”
I push back one last time. “I don’t want this for you.”
His eyes are intent on mine, gentle, but utterly resolute. “You don’t get to make this choice for me, love.”
I close my eyes, letting the brutal, exquisite truth of that washover me. One more thing I have zero control over. Surrender has never been such a relief.
My body goes slack, and Ian pulls me against him. I cling to him, shuddering against his chest. And I cry. Again, I lose track of time. He holds me and I cry and shake until I think I’ll break myself apart, but his grip is so solid, and I hold him so tightly, that I stay in one piece.
EPILOGUE
December
“WE HAVE TO STOP MEETINGlike this.”
I grin, and turn—and keep turning, since he’s on my right—to find Ian filling our bathroom doorway. I recap my eyeliner with aclickthat echoes in the tiled space and toss it into my makeup bag. “I don’t know. Bathrooms seem to work for us.”
“Especially when you’re on the counter,” he says, and I shift, letting my feet dangle off the side of the surface as he steps between my knees. I hook my finger into his belt loops, pulling him closer. He grins. “Should I shut the door?”
“I was hoping you were coming in to free me from my banishment,” I say. “I’m losing my mind in here.”
“It’ll be another few minutes. Everything looks great,” he assures me. “I took care of the locker rooms, Heather and Mark are en route with the last of the small plates Diego had back at the Dawghouse. Barbara—”
We both flinch as the sharp shriek of feedback comes in from the open window in the bedroom.
“—is about to get fired from playing deejay. And Grant and Tom have the kids working on your surprise in the lobby.”
“I still can’t believe that Tom filled that position,” I say. Tom’s not only come to the rescue on the accounting front, but is providing all childcare coverage now that Grant’s courseload has doubled, courtesy of his education classes. He’s taken to it like a particularly curmudgeonly duck to water, and the kids adore him—especially Penny, which Grant is more than a little testy about.
“It boggles the mind. Speaking of, Alistair is dressed like an elf? Or, what he’s calling an elf, which does include a little hat, but is otherwise limited to shorts and suspenders.”
“No shirt?”
He scoffs. “Never.He’s not really contributing, but there a good chance he’s putting Helen at risk of preeclampsia. That poor woman swoons every time he walks by.”
“I hope she’s seated.”
“As a matter of fact, she may not be able to get out of the armchair. Her words. I think this last trimester is going to be rough.”
