Page 14 of Ellie Hayes and the Himbos
When I left my neurologist’s yesterday, the paperwork he handed off included a copy of the email exchange he had with my gynecologist, Dr. Selah. A courtesy, as endometriosis patients appear to be at a higher risk of developing other autoimmune diseases, predominantly MS. The numbers aren’t significantly higher, but, as per the good doctor, “They’re not negligible.”
Dr. Selah’s reaction had been priceless:Can’t this woman get a break?
That same insistent energy that had me accepting the guys’offer for pizza sparks to life. Maybe I can!Thiscan be my break. I can manage my own business from anywhere, and it’s flexible enough that any schedule I end up with at this gym can be worked around. If I can do this while coddled in an onslaught of blind admiration, it sounds like a win-win.
Provided one looks past the nightmarish state of things around the house. Which, even with only one functioning eye, I cannot.
“That is so generous—” I start. Grant and Diego’s faces fall. Alistair is looking at his phone, produced from who knows where, but his brows twitch down in some degree of disappointment. It’s like I’ve declared that Christmas is canceled.
“That’s ano,” Diego grumbles.
“Not at all! I’m just”—trying to come up with a polite way to convey that I find your standard of living unacceptable and that if every trip to the restroom carries the threat of Chia Pet toes, I’m not going to make it a week—“wondering if you’d be cool with me helping you elevate things around here a bit.”
They nod, eyes going distant in thought or incomprehension.
“Like, clean the bathrooms.Properly,” I clarify. “Shop for more than protein bars.”
“We don’t even buy those,” Grant says, leaning into the broom like it’s a wizard’s staff. “We get them from Ian.”
“Because we’re usually broke,” says Alistair.
“Budgeting!” I say. “I can help you with that, too. Get you set up with an app.”
“You would do all of that?” Alistair asks, sounding genuinely interested.
“It’s what Ilivefor.” I tap my sternum again. “Boring as hell, remember?”
Grant brays out his distinctive laugh. “Oh. You’re gonna beperfectfor the gym.”
“And here! Food in the fridge, no more penises on the mirror,” Diego says. “Oh! Could you help us with cooking, too? Like, show us how?”
“Absolutely,” I say, and his whole face lights up. “To be clear, I won’t be your maid. I’ll help set up a baseline for the house and get you more comfortable in the kitchen, but if we’re doing this, it’s something you’ll have to maintain.” I’ve done enough man-coddling. This isn’t simply me imposing my standard of living on three collegiate males. I’ll be sparing future partners the indignity of pube-dusted bathroom floors and the burden of undoing years of learned helplessness. This could change lives.
A tendril of excitement begins to weave through me. Cole’s “Now what?” from Monday takes on new meaning. Now what?This!
“Like a mentor. For adult stuff,” Alistair muses.
Grant shrugs. “I’m in. It’s what? May? And we’re gonna be here at least through May of next year. So, even if you wanted to just try it for a little while—”
“A six-month lease!” I say, plucking the timeline from the no-man’s-land of my con list. I reach out a hand to shake on it. “Do we have a deal?”
All three grasp my outstretched hand, chorusing, “Deal!” The resulting handshake is vigorous enough to jostle my upper body, and I’m reminded of the adhesive support system rigged up beneath my dress.
“Great!” I say. “First order of business: Do we have any cooking oil?”
6
FROM THE BACK SEAT OFGrant’s ancient Jetta, Diego takes in an exaggerated inhale, releasing it on a sigh. “Is it you who smells so good, Ellie? It’s like a cookie in here. The kind with the cocoa and chocolate. What is that, Alistair?”
“A macaroon.”
“Ah, yes. Like a macaroon.”
“That would be the spray oil,” I say. The only options earlier were a store-brand coconut oil spray and a still sealed bottle of rosemary-infused truffle oil with a HomeGoods sticker on it. Lord only knows how three dudes with an empty fridge ended up with truffle oil.
Unwilling to be marinated, I opted for the spray. It actually worked really well to release the adhesive; I’ll have to make a note of it when I post a review of the tape.
“That’s genius,” says Alistair. “Full-coverage moisture in a fraction of the time. I should try that.”
