Page 98 of Ellie Hayes and the Himbos
The backyard is a chorus of approvingawws.
I sigh, the sound starting somewhere near my toes. I’m not admitting that to them. Not first, anyway. That’s for him. “I’ve really screwed up.”
Diego nods, sagely. “You told him about just being sexy. And that hurt him.”
“That’s—” I look to Alistair, who shrugs. “Yeah. More or less.”
“Less,” Alistair grumbles.
I glance at Heather and Mark, who smile encouragingly. It’s mine to share. And even if it’s been pulled from me semi-unwillingly by a crew of well-meaning busybodies, I think I want them to know. Because they’re my people now, too. Not just Break Me, but… me.
“This is going to take time to explain. Should we—” I indicate the porch, where we might all take a seat, but Diego and Grant plop down on the ground, sitting crisscross applesauce, and look up at me as if ready for story time. After a moment, the others follow suit, arranging themselves around the yard.
“Should we still keep working out?” Diego asks. “While you tell us this?”
“Crunches!” says Grant. “Ellie, you continue, we’ll do crunches. Everyone, ready? Go!”
I crunch, too. “When I met y’all, I could only see out of one eye,” I begin, and lay out the saga of my un-diagnosis, from that first cycloptic morning to the day it cleared up. “I’m fine for now,” I conclude. “But it’s a waiting game.”
“That’s why you wanted the lease to be six months,” Diego surmises. “Next exercise?”
“Air squats?” offers Jacob.
I look around as everyone stands up, though I avoid catching Maggie’s eye; if there’s any opinion I don’t want, it’s that of a medical professional. There are frowns, some confusion. Babs and Helen watch me with the same sad wariness I got from folks when I’d first share about my eye and what it could mean. I see it for the care it is, but part of me hates it, too. Back to being broken.
It’s quiet as we begin our squats, the only sounds the errant pop of ankles and knees as we lower ourselves to parallel and stand back up again.
“Ian got upset because of Mom,” Grant says. “He’s talked about that. How unfair it felt, not knowing how sick she was.”
A fresh wave of guilt washes over me. “I get that. And I get where she was coming from, too. There’d already been such a disruption to your lives the first time she’d been ill, I can see how she wouldn’t want to subject y’all to that a second time. Especially when there wasn’t anything you could do about it.” I grimace. “But it was also an unkindness. It was unfair. And while my situation isn’t the same—”
Alistair clears his throat.
“—it treads on some of the same sensitivities. And not disclosing about my eye was also something that could have been bad for the gym. I hadn’t considered that, but mostly…” I shake my head at myself. It had been really dumb of me not to think of that, but my vision wasn’t the real issue. It never was. “I was afraid to tell him.”
It is a mercy that no one asks me why.
“Would…” Grant’s voice is tentative. “Would you like some cheese?”
I laugh. “No, but thank you.”
“Do you want to cook him something?” Diego asks. “I read that the best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. It was in the margin of a cookbook.”
“Good call,” I say. “But I think that a simple apology might do the trick.”
Diego stands, shaking out his legs. “I don’t know. If his blood sugar is low, he might not be receptive. That wasn’t in a cookbook. That’s just true with him.”
A number of others mutter in agreement. I smile.
“So…” Helen sits back on her heels. “Are you going to go over there?”
My smile twists into a grimace, but I nod. I’m the one who hadn’t been honest. I’m the one who’d known better. I’d admitted as much to Ian the afternoon he introduced me to the taste of colors. That however flawed my relationship with Cole had been, my not being honest with him about my pain had damaged what we had.
I’d given Cole reason not to trust me. And now I’ve done the same to Ian. If I go to him now, he’ll have every right to turn me away. But I have to try. Because I love him.
“Good.” She lifts her chin, like she’s shooing me off. “Go.”
“What, now?” I shake my head. “What about my endorphins?”
