Page 103 of The Same Backward as Forward
I think about my conversation with Jackson. I need to talk to Hannah about leaving, and that means that I need to talk to her about her family.
“You excelled at not being seen,” I say quietly. “But Kaylie didn’t.”
Hannah does not talk about her sister much, but when she does, it’s clear: Kaylie was Hannah’s heart. She was her reason for staying here.
And now I am, I think, as I wait to see if and how Hannah will respond. I have opened a door, but it’s up to her whether she wants to walk through it or not.
“Kaylie was everything that I am not—in the best possible way. Every wall I put up, she crashed right through. I was shadow. She was light.” Hannah the Same Backward as Forward picks up one of her checkers, holding it between her fingers and tilting it back and forth. “I kept my head down, and she danced on tables.”
The wordsdanced on tablesreverberate through my mind. I can almost see it: Hannah in her scrubs; Kaylie the center of attention, dancing like there’s no tomorrow.
Come with me, I want to say.Leave this place. She would want you to.But for some reason, my lips won’t form the words. For some reason, my mind goes back to my dream, to solving the maze, to my mother and the way she greeted me when I stepped into the garden.
So you haven’t completely forgotten yourself.
I reach for Hannah, taking her hand in my own, running my palm lightly over her knuckles, and instead of asking her to leave this place with me, I hold on to our little eternities a while longer and say, “Close your eyes.”
“So you can slip another one of your checkers back onto the board?”
I skim her knuckle a second time, my touch featherlight. “So you can find me,” I say. This is what Hannah and I do: We play. “Think of it like Hide And Seek.”
I can tell that Hannah is still thinking about Kaylie when she replies: “The Close Your Eyes Game.”
I wonder how often Hannah thinks about her sister when we play, when the two of us live in the moment with no regrets.
I stand, pulling Hannah up to do the same. “I make no promises whatsoever,” I assure her, “to play fair.”
She closes her eyes, and I let go of her hand.
Chapter 32
Where is light speed when you need it? Time is relative, and right now, it’s passing far too quickly. Days pass like hours, hours like minutes.
I’m healed—fully healed—and we both know it, but neither one of us says the words, and one morning, after another incredible night at the lighthouse, I step out of it to find a hardware store bag just outside the door. I open it.
Inside, there’s epoxy and a glass cutter.
I give myself the day—and the moonlit night. Of all the games that Hannah and I play, The Don’t Look Down Game is the one most suited to midnight. This isn’t the first time we’ve played it, but every instinct I have says that it might be the last. I have everything I need for my grand gesture now and no excuse to put off asking her to come with me any longer.
As soon as she’s asleep tonight, I’ll get to work. But for now…
“We’re standing on the edge of the Eiffel Tower,” I say, my toes overhanging the edge of the lighthouse point just a little more than Hannah’s do. “We’re at the very top.” The wind picksup, and I think back to the moment when Hannah asked me if I ever pretend. “It’s a thousand-foot drop.Don’t look down.”
I am expert at pretending. Beside me, Hannah edges forward, bringing the tip of her shoes even with my own.
“Why would I look down,” she counters, her voice low and struck through with a promise about what this night will bring, “when we’re so close to falling off a tower spire?”
In my mind, I stop picturing the Eiffel Tower and picture the two of us somewhere else instead—a place with fairy-tale castles or maybe gothic ones. Romania, perhaps. It’s all too easy to imagine the two of us traveling the world.
“A tower?” I murmur, knowing that Hannah will hear every word I speak no matter how loudly the wind howls. “One of yours?”
Once upon a time, I told a story about Hannah building towers and locking herself inside.
She let me in, but that’s not the same thing as being free.
“Don’t look down,” Hannah murmurs, and it feels like she is asking me to have faith, like she is asking me toask hermy question right now, grand gestures be damned.
Leave with me, Hannah the Same Backward as Forward. Come with me, and I will show you castles. I will give you the world and the whole damn sky.
