Page 105 of Save Us
On Monday, I feel like I’ve been wrapped in cotton wool. The morning passes by without me even really noticing because all my thoughts are with James and the fact that him moving out has left a painful gap in my family.
I messaged him on Sunday, asked how he was and whether he wanted to talk, and he answered, saying that everything was OK.
Late that evening, I got a notification thatBeyond Beaufort’shad its first post.
I spent most of the night reading James’s words over and over again. He’d written about dreams. That they’re important and that you have to allow them room, however hard things are or however hopeless a situation might be. That you should surround yourself with people who give you the strength to follow your dreams, and that there’s nothing better than finding a person who shares your dreams. And he wrote that sometimes it’s just not the right time for particular dreams, but that you mustn’t give up on them, even if keeping hold of them costs you more than anything else.
His words made me cry again, and I couldn’t stop thinking about them.
Not being able to do anything for him is driving me crazy. Even if Ember thinks just being there for him is enough, it isn’t enough for me. I wish I could pop down to London and have a word with his father, but I can imagine what James would think of that.
So, I sit in school on Monday morning and force myself to take notes, but no matter how hard I try, I don’t have the energy to tidy my things properly, let alone pick up any of my colored pens. Not even my bullet journal can give me the feeling of having my life under control right now.
At lunchtime, I pick listlessly at my food, constantly looking up and around for James. I haven’t seen him yet. I hoped he’d be waiting for me at the bus stop again, and I had to swallow the heavy lump of my disappointment when that wasn’t the case.
“We really are lucky, Ruby,” Lin says quietly.
I glance up from my rice and give her a questioning look.
“Because our parents don’t force us to do anything. I mean, sure, my mum and my grandma always longed for me to go to university—but they’ve never forced me into doing anything I didn’t want to.”
“That’s the whole problem. Knowing what it’s like to have a loving, supportive family kind of makes the situation even harder to deal with.”
“I’m afraid there’s nothing you can do to change that at the moment,” says Lin, sipping her iced tea. Then she tucks a strand of hair back behind her ear. “You can’t control what James’s dad does. And I get how hard it is to watch and not be able to get involved. But the worst thing you could do for James right nowwould be to let your relationship suffer from this. He must be feeling like shit about his decision already.”
“I know,” I whisper, putting my fork down altogether. I don’t even want to think about what Mortimer Beaufort might have done if James had refused to go back. What he would have done to my family.
At this moment, James himself walks into the dining hall. Wren and Cyril on either side of him, Kesh and Alistair close behind. They’re chatting. Wren elbows James in the side and grins. Cyril just rolls his eyes at whatever he said, but he can’t help smiling too. And James? He forces himself to smile, but even from this distance, I can see how fake and wrong it looks. It couldn’t be more different from the way he smiles when my dad makes a joke. It couldn’t be more different from the way he smiles when he speaks to Lydia. And it really couldn’t be more different from the way he smiles just after he’s kissed me.
As if he’s read my mind, he looks over to me. The boys come in our direction, presumably heading for their usual table by the window. James stops by us. Now I can see how pale he is, and the deep shadows under his turquoise eyes.
“Hey,” he says, lifting his hand to my cheek. As his knuckles brush my skin, a tingle spreads through me. His smile is hesitant, as if he’s not sure how I’ll react to his touch.
At that moment, I realize something—James is putting everything into staying strong. For Lydia, for my family, for me. The way I’m acting isn’t helping in that. I’m only causing him more trouble. I’m really not being fair on him. He’s making a massive sacrifice for my family and me. And instead of giving him the support he needs, which his friends are offering him, I’m criticizing his decision and maybe adding a guilty conscience toeverything else. I should be there for him, not making his life harder.
“James?”
He looks questioningly at me. “Yes?”
“Got anything after lunch?” I ask.
“I have half an hour before Percy picks me up.” He tilts his head and narrows his eyes. “Why?”
I smile at him. Then I move forward and whisper in his ear, hopefully quietly enough that nobody else can hear. When I lean back again, I see something flicker in James’s eyes. And I like that a whole lot better than him being sad.
Lunch isn’t quite over yet, so it’s nice and empty in the library when I get there. I don’t take my usual route via the printer and the checkout desk to the meeting room, but turn right and head almost to the back of the room, where there’s a little table in a corner between two bookcases, one full of heavy illustrated books and the other with old history textbooks.
I put my bag down on the floor, sit on the tabletop, and lean back on my hands. My heart is thumping wildly, like I’m doing something forbidden, but I’m only waiting for James.
I texted him precise instructions for how to find me, and it takes less than five minutes for him to appear between the bookcases and come over to me. My heart is heavy, but I can’t help smiling at him. “There you are.”
James stops right next to me. “Like I’d pass up a secret tryst with the loveliest girl in the whole of Maxton Hall.”
His words make me blush. I reach out my hands toward him, and he takes them gently.
“I’m sorry,” I say in the end, staring at our linked fingers.
“What for?”
