Page 37 of Save Us
Hastily, I pull my hands away and take a step back. “I don’t want to be your little secret, Kesh. I don’t know how often I have to say that.”
Kesh’s eyes flash. “I don’t get why you want to wreck things between us.”
“You’re the one smashing things!” My shout echoes down the lane. I’m almost expecting Kesh to glance anxiously over his shoulder, to check that nobody’s heard us, but he doesn’t look away from me.
“The fact that you still don’t get it is just showing me how wrong this all is,” I say quietly, but no less bitterly for that.
“Nothing about us is wrong.”
I shake my head at him. “Kesh. Come on.”
“Is that why you broke up with me?” he asks. By this point, he’s sounding as frustrated as I feel. “Because you think this doesn’t mean as much to me as it does to you?”
I sigh with resignation. “You can’t ‘break up’ with someone when you’re not even properly together.”
He closes his eyes and takes two deep breaths. He’s clearly fighting for composure.
“You’re not ready for a relationship,” I say, feeling the heat creep into my throat. “And that’s fine. But I am.”
Kesh takes a step toward me, a pleading look in his eyes. I’ve never known him like this. He’s always so bloody closed off, won’t show anyone—even me—what’s going on inside. But in this moment, his despair is so clear, so overwhelming, that I can almost feel it.
“I know what things were like with your parents. I”—he breaks off and exhales raggedly—“I’m just scared.”
“I know,” I croak.
Coming out to my parents was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I had no choice. I wanted to truly be the person I always had been deep down. And that included introducing that person to them. Back then, I didn’t care what the consequences would be. It was like an act of liberation.
Until I saw the disappointment on my father’s face, and the tears in my mum’s eyes. Until they started treating me differently, so that I preferred to spend my time with my friends because I couldn’t stand being at home.
I don’t want to be the one to force Kesh to do anything he’s not ready for. I’m his friend. Whatever there has been between us, my job is to be there for him, whatever he decides. Even if he never told his parents, I should have his back.
And that’s exactly the problem.
I want more than secret kisses and whispered promises that we can’t keep, but at the moment, that’s all Kesh can give me. I’ve seen that more than once this evening. It’s not a new understanding, but it hurts a bit more each time. Because he’s my friend and I can see that slipping away, me losing him more than I’ve already done. Largely because I’m in love with him and I don’t know how the fuck I’m meant to stop.
The thought makes my eyes sting. I swallow hard and blink repeatedly.
“Alistair…” Kesh murmurs, taking a step toward me.
I shake my head and look down at my toes.
I can’t insist that he tell the world about us.
He can’t insist that we hide our relationship.
Nothing can come of us. We both know it.
I look up to Kesh’s face again, let my gaze roam from his cheekbones to his hint of stubble to his lips.
I look into his dark eyes. And I do the thing I should have done long ago: I nip the rest of my hope in the bud.
“Maybe we’d better stay apart from each other in future.”
All the color drains from Kesh’s face. “Alistair…”
Before I have the chance to regret my decision, I turn and leave.
Graham
