Page 74 of Save Us
Kesh nods and stares at his hands.
Time stretches between us.
“I…You didn’t do that because I made you, did you?” I ask in the end.
He shakes his head, not looking up. “No. I didn’t do it for you, but for me. I wanted to tell Mum because it felt right to.”
I feel the pressure in my chest ease slightly.
“She said she loved me. And I think she must have got some brochures or been researching stuff on the internet, or something, because she now keeps asking me shit that sounds like something out of a textbook. And she gave me another lecture about safe sex.” Kesh grimaces. “Which was even more cringe than the first time around.”
I snort with laughter. “I love your mum.”
Kesh smiles at his hands. “And I love you.”
The car stops. I think my heart does too.
I stare at Kesh, who lifts his head to look at me—directly. His gaze is open and more vulnerable than I’ve ever seen. Now the atmosphere in the car has changed again. It feels like Kesh is too close and too far away all at once. I want to stretch out my hand but can’t move.
“What did you just say?” I whisper.
Keshav gulps hard. “I said I love you, Alistair. I have done for ages. And I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like I don’t.”
His every word touches me deep inside. I’ve been hoping to hear them from him for so long—or even a pale shadow of them. Now, hearing those words from him is more than I ever imagined. Tears sting my eyes, and I can’t blink them away. I can’t do anything about it as they break free and run down my cheeks.
Then things take their own course. My body moves on autopilot as I fling my arms around Kesh. I can hear him gasp for breath but in this second, I don’t care. All that matters is to be as close to him as possible.
“I love you too,” I mumble into his hair.
Kesh puts both hands on my back and hugs me tight. “Cool.”
A hoarse laugh bursts from me while more tears run down my cheeks. I move away slightly so that I can see his face. “That’s how you react? ‘Cool’?”
He lifts a hand and mops my wet cheeks. There’s a smile playing around his lips. “Yeah,” he says simply. It’s such a Kesh thing to say that I have to hug him again, hold him tight. He strokes his hands gently over my back, which isn’t exactly getting my heart to calm down.
“Want to come in?” he asks in the end with an uncertain smile. “I don’t want to say goodbye just yet.”
I pull away and look him in the eyes. “I’d love to.”
Kesh leans forward, and his lips brush mine. It’s the faintest of touches, but I get goose bumps down my arms.
“Cool,” he murmurs again.
Then he kisses me gently.
19
Ember
The next week is absolute hell. For one thing, because I do badly on a couple of tests at school and disappoint Mum and Dad, and for another, because I can’t get the business with Wren out of my head, and I’m constantly thinking about him.
I’ve barely seen Ruby and James in the last few days. If they’re not sitting at her desk or the kitchen table, studying for their A levels together, they’re driving to see Lydia or planning stuff for the events committee. There was only once, in the living room, when I heard them talking about Wren’s party, and James said something about how it had all turned out for the best and he was going to spend more time round there from now on. It was all I could do not to snort with derision.
“Are you OK?” my friend Maisie asks as we walk out of school at the end of the day. We’re not usually in a rush, and spend ages hanging around on the steps, chatting about everything and nothing. But today, I just want to get home and bury myself down a deep internet rabbit hole, to drive all thoughts of Wren Fitzgerald out of my head.
“It hasn’t been the best week,” I reply, keeping my eyes fixed on my patent leather boots. They’re neon pink and have huge buckles and don’t really comply with the dress code, but I don’t care. I got them cheap from a flea market, and since then I’ve looked forward to putting them on every day. Especially because the color normally makes me happy.
But today it’s not working.
