Page 77 of Save Us
“Lydia.” He sounds surprised, like he wasn’t expecting me to pick up.
I wait.
“How…er. How are you?” he asks.
I’m so confused that for a while, I don’t even know what to say. “Are you serious?” I stammer in the end.
He goes silent. I hear him inhale deeply, then he sighs. “I just don’t know how to start this conversation.”
“So why call?” I snap. All the fury I’ve felt toward Cyril lately comes bursting out, full force. I can’t sit on this lounger a second longer, and I lever myself up. I feel Ophelia’s eyes on me, but I don’t turn to look at her. I take a few steps across the garden, trying to calm down.
The lawn sprinkler is on, and I have to dodge it so I don’t get wet.
“I wanted to say sorry,” says Cyril.
“It’s a bit late for that,” I reply bitterly.
“You have every right to be angry with me,” he says hastily.“I’d get it if you never wanted to speak to me again. I just wanted to call to apologize. I…I’m really, really sorry for how I acted.”
I gulp hard and fight the sting that’s creeping into my eyes. Cyril’s friendship meant so much to me. Landing in bed together was a mixture of drunken stupidity and wanting to take my mind off a broken heart. And if I’d known that Cyril hoped it could be more, I’d never have done it.
“I know I hurt you, Cy,” I say, my voice shaking. “But to pull a shitty stunt like that…”
“I know.”
“You didn’t give a fuck who you were hurting. Ruby could have lost her place at St. Hilda’s. And as for James and the way he’s been beating himself up over the whole thing…Well, I won’t even go there.”
“I wasn’t thinking,” he says.
“Bullshit,” I burst out. I’m so angry, I could trample the little flowers at the edge of the bed beside me. “I’ve known you eighteen years, Cyril. You don’t do a thing without thinking it through. You’re just like James in that. You knew exactly what you were doing. You knew exactly what the consequences would be.”
He’s quiet for a moment. His breath is shuddering. “I wanted the old days back. I wanted you and James in my life, and I didn’t care who had to pay the price, so long as we could be close again. But now I do care. I really regret what I did.”
I’ve never heard Cyril speak like that. He normally gives the impression of being in total control—of himself, of his friends, of the whole world. But now it seems like he’s totallylostcontrol.
“I don’t know if you can forgive me. I don’t even know if I can forgive myself,” he continues. “But if you want me in your life, I’m there for you. That…that’s all I wanted to say.”
I can hear despair and remorse in his words and, above all, sincerity. He means what he’s saying. But I’m not sure whether Cyril gets that I’m not the same person I was six months ago. My life has turned one-eighty while he still seems to want to cling to the past.
I don’t know how I can get through to him how important Graham is to me or what our relationship means to me. I’m not even sure if Cyril has any right to an explanation after he betrayed my trust like that. But there’s one thing I have to tell him. Otherwise, I don’t know if we can move on.
“I want to say something to you too, Cy,” I begin, with a scratch in my voice.
“What’s that?” he asks quietly.
I take a deep breath. “Being with Graham wasn’t the main reason Dad threw me out. He threw me out because I’m pregnant.”
I hear him gasp. It feels like eternity goes by, as neither of us speaks. I wiggle my toes slightly, trying to focus on the feeling of the warm lawn under my feet.
“I don’t know what to say,” he admits hoarsely.
I don’t either. I don’t want to hurt Cyril any worse, but I think it’s about time we got things straight between us, once and for all.
“I’m sorry if that’s a lot to take in,” I say on impulse. “But I want to be honest with you.”
“What have I done?” he groans.
“It would have come out sooner or later either way,” I say. “Not that it excuses you, but Dad would have kicked me out anyway.”
