Page 152 of If You Claim Me
“Is she okay?”
I look up and meet her eyes in the darkness. “She qualified for surgery.”
CHAPTER 40
DRED
The week leading up to Meems’s surgery is an unexpected roller coaster. Connor vacillates between doting, overbearing, and combative. His stress comes out in sharp comments and soft apologies.
Christmas feels like a million years and a whole relationship ago. My feelings for him have shifted. I feel like I’ve finally been given a family, rather than piecing one together myself. I care for him and Meems deeply. This marvelous place has started to feel like my home. And I’m terrified of what all this means.
I find myself desperate to feel connected to him. In the light of day, he shuts down, closes himself off. So every night, when the lights are out, I reach for him. It’s safe in the dark, where our feelings can stay hidden behind desire.
But I’m out of time today.
And even though my husband is sitting next to me, he’s far, far away. Every offer of comfort is met with terse denial. His family sits across from us, tanned from their week in the sun. His father is typing away on his laptop. Julian and Bryson are at work, because someone has to keep things running smoothly.
Courtney flips through a magazine, Isabelle works on an intricate design in an adult coloring book, and Portia holds anovel open, but she hasn’t turned a page in ten minutes. Connor’s knee bounces, and he taps on the armrest.
I tug at the scrunchie around my wrist. Neither of us has slept particularly well since Christmas Eve, and I’m exhausted, emotionally and physically. Plus, right now, I’m drowning in the tension of it all. “I need a coffee. Does anyone want anything?” I ask.
“The coffee here tastes like bathwater,” Courtney grumbles.
Isabelle closes her coloring book and stands, setting it on the chair. “I’ll come with you.”
I look to Connor. “Can I get you anything?”
“I’m fine.” His jaw tics.
My heart aches. I stand and move in front of him, blocking everyone’s view with my body. His gaze stays locked on his bouncing knee.
I lean down and press my lips to the top of his head. “I won’t be long.”
I’m afraid to leave him alone with his parents, but I can’t protect him if he’s shutting me out. I still haven’t had the guts to bring up the conversation we desperately need to have. If Meems doesn’t survive, my happiness is no longer important, and if she does…well, that wasn’t part of the contract.
Isabelle slips her hand into mine and squeezes. “It’ll be okay.”
“It should be me reassuring you, not the other way around.”
“You’re close to Meems. Closer than I am. She always loved Connor best,” Isabelle says.
“She understands him,” I murmur. I thought I did, too. I thought we were becoming something real, but now I don’t know.
“I know Connor can be closed off,” Isabelle whispers as we start down the hallway. “But he’s scared right now.”
“We all are.” And he’s slipping away from me. I don’t know how I’ll survive if I lose them both.
“But Connor more than the rest of us,” she says softly. “Apart from you, Meems is the only person he loves like this.”
My stomach twists, because Connor doesn’t love me.Does he?a voice inside me demands. It’s what my presence in his life brings him that connects us.Isn’t it?That’s what I always tell myself.But why?
“You’ve changed him, Dred. So much. Once Meems makes it through the surgery, he’ll be okay. He just needs to get through this part.”
“We all do,” I agree.
She hugs me tightly. “Thank you for being here. I know it isn’t easy.”
His family is messy, but I know his sisters care. And he cares for them, too.So maybe he can love me, my mind chips in before I can shut it down.
