Page 165 of If You Claim Me
I nod, and Flip hands me a tissue.
Tristan and Rix stay for a few more minutes, but then leave me and Flip to talk with a promise to call later.
“I wish you’d come to me with this, Dred.” Flip’s sadness is written all over his face.
I set my ice cream soup aside, taking his warm hand in my cold one. “But you understand why I couldn’t ask that. Even if we didn’t want it to, it would’ve changed our relationship. I couldn’t take that risk. Our friendship is too important. Connor felt…like a safe person to make that arrangement with. He loves his Meems so much, and I love her too. I thought I could play the role and keep my heart out of it.”
“But that changed for both of you.”
“At first I thought… I thought he was just doing these things to make me happy because it made his Meems happy. It made sense. The more content he kept me, the more real it would look to everyone else, right?”
He nods. “It definitely looked real by the time you got to the wedding.”
“I started sleeping with him after the wedding,” I admit. “And then…I started sleepingwithhim. I moved into his bedroom. It felt like we were building a life together. He brought the twins to the house for Christmas for me. And I wanted to keep them forever. I wanted what was happening to be real, Flip. I wanted those kids to be ours. I wanted Meems to be mine, too. I wanted to be loved, and love back and not have it all taken away.” I break down again, tears rolling down my cheeks, dropping onto his shirt and my hands. “But he was so cruel. So needlessly, painfully cruel. And it hurts so much, because I know he’s a good person, and I know he feels the same way about me as I do about him. He just can’t admit it. He ruined it all out of fear, and I’m in pieces all over again, afraid I’ll never be able to put myself back together.”
Flip wraps his arms around me and rocks me, like I’m a child and he’s the parent I never had, but always wanted. We wear so many hats for each other—best friend, mother, father, confidant, champion, therapist, cheerleader, ass-kicker.
“Tell me I won’t feel like this forever,” I cry. “Tell me it won’t hurt like this for the rest of my life.”
“It won’t feel like this forever.” He kisses the top of my head. “But it will hurt for a while—at least until he gets his head out of his ass. And maybe even for a while after that.”
“What if he doesn’t get his head out of his ass? I feel so stupid for falling in love.”
Flip stops rocking. “For one, you’re not stupid, Dred. You’re one of the smartest people I know, so be nice to my best friend or else.”
I huff a laugh and give him a look. “I fell for your nemesis.”
“I hate that he’s hurt you. I hate that he’s actually a nice guy behind all the bullshit. I hate that his fear reaction is to be cruel. And I hate that I might end up breaking his face because he’s too much of a numpty to own his feelings for you. But of course you fell for the guy everyone loves to tear down who also just wants to make his grandma happy. He did everything in his power to try to make you happy, too. We all saw it.Isaw it. It would be hard not to like him for that.” He shrugs. “Plus you have wicked chemistry.”
“So I’m not losing my mind? He has feelings for me?”
Flip nods. “Like you said, he just doesn’t know how to handle them, and he’s being an idiot.”
“I’m sorry I didn’t ask for help,” I whisper.
“Me too, but I understand why you didn’t.” He wraps his arm around my shoulder and squeezes me. “I wish my shit hadn’t gotten in the way of that. Then maybe your heart wouldn’t be broken.”
“I guess you and I get to be divorcees together, huh?” I joke.
He huffs a humorless laugh. “There’s some real irony here, isn’t there? I married Fiona in secret, thinking we would spend our lives together, and all she wanted was the money. You and Connor got married based on a contract but ended up falling for real.”
“And here we both are.”
“Here we both are,” he agrees.
Flip married his high school sweetheart in his last semester of university. He was headed for the pros after graduation. They’d dated in high school and had broken up when they went to different universities, but they’d reconnected in their final year. He loved her and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
They’d kept their marriage a secret, not wanting their parents to talk them into waiting until they’d graduated. And then a few months in, Flip realized she was only in it for the lifestyle it would afford her. It was an expensive, painful lesson—one he learned on his own. I’m the only person who knows. Not even Tristan or his sister are aware that he was married, or that he basically handed Fiona his first year’s salary to get her out of his life.
“I want a family, Flip.”
“I’m your family.”
“I want kids, though. I love being an aunty to Callie and Fee, and to Lexi and Roman’s little one who will be here soon, and all the other Terror babies that are yet to come. But I want my own kids. They don’t have to be biologically mine. I wanted to keep the twins so badly at Christmas. For a moment I imagined I could.” I believed Connor and I could. “But what if I’m too broken to be good for them?”
“You’re not. You’re an incredible, resilient, amazing person, and you have so much love to give,” he assures me.
“I also have actual savings now. I donated some of it to the library and a few charities, but most of the money is still there.” It’s socked away into investments and GICs because I didn’t know what else to do with it.
