Page 174 of If You Claim Me
“Hi, Connor.” So much has changed since Connor proposed that contract—my life upended, I lived a fairy tale, my heart has been broken, and my resilience tested. “Hi, Meems.”
“My sweet girl.” She wraps her arms around me and gives me the kind of hug that makes me want to weep.
“Thank you for that generous donation.”
“It was all Connor.” She winks. “I’m heading home.”
“Should I walk you out?” Connor asks.
“Absolutely not.” She holds our hands. “You two need to talk.” She kisses me on the cheek, then does the same with Connor. Dallas swoops in to escort her to her car, where a driver should be waiting.
Connor tugs at the collar of his shirt. “I promise I didn’t orchestrate that.”
“Meems does what she wants,” I reply. “And that was quite the amazing contribution you made on behalf of your family.”
“I want your programs to run without you having to spend all your spare time writing proposals, and I want my mother and sisters to have peace, and Meems to be able to focus on her health instead of family drama.”
“What about what you want?”
“I’m working on that.” He clears his throat and tucks his hand in his pocket. “I’d love to talk. I understand if now isn’t the best time, or maybe you need more time, or maybe you’ll never be ready to talk… But, uh, if you find you are, I would love to apologize.” He swallows. “And tell you how I feel about you.”
I don’t want to hand my heart over just to have it battered again, but I can’t ignore the glimmer of hope this offers. And anyway, I can’t move forward if we don’t deal with the fallout. “We can talk.”
Hope softens his features. “Now? Or would later be better?”
“We can talk now.” I’d rather do it here, on my turf, where my friends are close and so are his teammates in case I need someone’s shoulder to sob on.
He follows me into the hall. I poke my head into one of the storage rooms. There are empty boxes and supplies everywhere, but it’s private and we won’t be interrupted, so I usher him inside.
He glances around. There’s nowhere to sit, and we can’t really give each other much space.
He rubs the back of his neck. “I’m so sorry.”
I cross my arms and wait, because I need to hearwhathe’s sorry for.
“I was horrible to you.”
“You absolutely were,” I agree.
“You didn’t deserve to be treated that way.”
“I didn’t.”
“There is no excuse for how cruel I was, no reason that could ever justify why I shut you out the way I did. But I’ll try to explain.” He takes a deep breath. “I self-sabotaged out of fear, and I had no right to take those fears out on you. You’ve beennothing but kind, and soft, and empathetic, and I didn’t meet you halfway. I didn’t meet you at all, and I wish so badly that I could take it all back, but I can’t. I can only tell you that I see what I did and the hurt it’s caused you, and if you let me, I will spend the rest of my life making up for it.”
I hug myself, my emotions on the edge of unraveling. I want to believe what he’s saying, but I’m terrified to put my faith in him, in us.
“How can I trust that you won’t just shut down on me like that again? What happens when there’s another situation with your family?”Or heaven forbid, the day we actually lose Meems. “I can’t be on the outside of your spiral, Connor. I can’t give my heart to you if you’ll keep mistreating it.”
He nods, throat bobbing. “I see what’s been done to you, and what I did to you, and I promise that I will never let my self-loathing take over my love for you again. Because that’s exactly what I let happen. I didn’t put us first the way I should have. I can’t undo the past, but I love you, Mildred, more than I ever thought possible. And I will never make you feel unwanted again.”
Tears rise, cresting on a wave of joy and hope and deep uncertainty. I want those words to be enough, but I need him to live that and not just tell me. And that will take time.
“You pressed your fingers into a wound I’ve carried with me my entire life. You cannot do something like that to me ever again. I won’t accept it. I won’t allow it, and I won’t stay for someone who uses my weaknesses against me, unintentionally or not. I don’t want a husband who is cruel. I’d rather be alone.”
Shame washes over his face, along with deep sadness and heartbreaking acknowledgment. He’s owning this. All of it. “You deserve to feel cherished every day, Mildred. I know how fortunate I am to be able to love you, and if you give me a chance, I promise I will never risk losing you or take your amazing heart for granted again.”
Connor pushes his sleeve up and peels several bracelets fromhis wrist. He skims the back of my hand and I flip my palm over as fragile hope blossoms in my chest. He’s speaking my language, showing me with actions that he understands his error as he places the first one in my palm, then the next and the next.
