Page 99 of Hit the Ground
Chuckling despite myself, I ruffled his hair. “I’ll give you a pass on the cussing for one night.”
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I was just repeating what you said. Anyway, I’m traumatized. I don’t even know what’s coming out of my mouth. I can’t be held accountable.”
I knew he was joking, but there was some truth behind it. Jesse had led a pretty idyllic life. Seeing Kent in that state would have been jarring to anyone, but especially for him.
“Kent will be okay. Once he gets his act together, he’ll be all right.” I held on to his chin until he gave me his eyes. “You hear me? He’s not our responsibility, and you don’t need to worry about him. He’s out of your life for good.”
He swallowed hard, nodding. “I’m glad,” he whispered. “Tonight was enough for me.”
“Me too.” I jerked my head toward the door. “You’re drooping fast. Do you want me to get outta here, or would you rather I stay?”
He mulled it over, chewing on his bottom lip. “You’re going to be down the hall, right? Alice too?”
“Right,” I confirmed. “We’ll be close.”
“Then I’m fine.” He slid his arms under his blanket and sighed. “As long as you and Alice are okay too.”
“We are,” I lied, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. “Night, Jess. Love you a lot.”
“Love you a lot too, Dad.”
Alice was waiting for me, but I couldn’t bring myself to go to her after I left Jesse. Not feeling the way I was. My blood was filled with fire and regret. Guilt was etched in my bones. My gut was leaden, so heavy, it was all I could do to make it to the couch and fall on my ass.
I wasn’t a perfect father, far from a perfect man. But until now, I’d never felt so utterly useless. Doubting every word I’d said to my son. Wondering how I hadn’t seen the warning signs and intervened before Jesse witnessed his mother cleaning up her badly beaten boyfriend in her kitchen. And Alice…I’d dragged her into all this along with me.
It killed me.
I raked both hands down my face and let my head fall back against the couch. The silence in the house was deafening. All it did was give room for the voices in my head to get louder.
I shouldn’t have let any of this happen. Should’ve paid closer attention instead of laughing Kent off. Jesse deserved a father who saw trouble coming before it walked through the door, and Alice deserved a man who could keep her out of this mess instead of pulling her into it.
I leaned forward, bracing my elbows on my knees, gripping the back of my neck until my vision swam. Until my lungs ached, and I tasted bile from my roiling gut. This was useless. Wallowing in all the what-ifs was a waste of time.
I shut it all down. Dammed up the flood of thoughts and voices until there was nothing but silence in my head. Because the alternative was breaking open right there on the couch.
Then I’d be no good for anyone.
Chapter Thirty-eight
Alice
CalebsatwithJessein his room for a long while. He told me to go to sleep, but that wasn’t happening. Not until he was in bed with me, and I could make sure he was okay.
Just when I began to wonder if he’d fallen asleep in Jesse’s room, I heard his heavy tread in the hallway, but it was headed in the opposite direction. Toward the living room. Probably checking that the doors were locked and everything was shut down.
But the minutes kept ticking by, and he didn’t come back. I sat cross-legged on the edge of his bed, staring at the door, willing it to creak open.
But…
Nothing.
Finally tired of waiting, I padded out to the living room. Caleb sat hunched on the couch, elbows on his knees, staring at nothing. His phone was on the coffee table, his hands hanging loose between his legs. He didn’t even flinch when I approached him.
“Caleb?”
His eyes lifted. They were so shadowed looking at him made my chest ache.
I crossed the room and sank down beside him, sliding my hand along his leg. “How’s Jesse? Is he okay?”
