Page 102 of Hit the Ground
By the time I reached her porch, my heart was thundering in my chest, not from nerves, but the simple, bone-deep truth of what I wanted. A real life with her. One that meant she got the good and the bad, the sunshine and the storms.
I lifted my hand and knocked once. Then again, louder.
The door cracked open, and Alice’s wary eyes met mine.
I didn’t wait for her to ask why I was there. “I didn’t go far,” I said, voice rougher than I meant. “I couldn’t even start the truck. Let me inside, Alice, so you can put your arms around me while I tell you how sorry I am.”
She opened the door wider, revealing her wet hair and a long T-shirt sticking to her skin. What she didn’t do was welcome me into her house.
“I have to put my arms around you to get an apology?”
“No. You don’t have to do anything. I was hoping you might want to, though.”
Her eyes darted between mine, sweeping over my face and down my arms to my hands, before coming back to meet my gaze. Water dripped from her hair onto her shoulders. A cricketchirped somewhere in the grass. A cool breeze broke through some of the early summer heat.
Alice took a breath, stepped back, and opened her arms. My knees nearly buckled with relief when she closed them around me. I curled over her, burying my face in her wet hair, and breathed in the scent of her shampoo.
“Christmas,” I rumbled.
“Your favorite.”
“Damn right.”
I lifted her off her feet and walked into her house, carrying her all the way to the couch. I sat down, Alice tucked in my lap, questioning myself for thinking I needed to go it alone. I already felt a lot better with her in my arms and hers wrapped tight around me.
“I’m sorry, Alice.” I laid my forehead on hers. “You were right. Things got heavy, and instead of sharing that, I balked. It was the exact wrong thing to do. I knew it, but I did it anyway. Thank you for calling me out on it. Otherwise, I’d be out on the ranch, by myself and miserable, instead of here with you.”
She swatted my shoulder, but there was no force behind it. “You can’t do that to me, Cay. Don’t do that again.”
“I won’t. I can’t promise I won’t screw up in other ways, but not this.”
She toyed with the hair at the base of my neck then slid her fingers through the back, cupping my head. “I don’t expect or need perfection, honey. I just have to know you need me the way I need you. I can’t stand to be made to feel expendable.”
“You aren’t. There’s no world I’m in where I don’t require you to be with me. I always want you beside me.Always.”
“Except today,” she whispered.
“I’m sorry I screwed up and put doubt in your mind, Alice, but I absolutely need you today.” I pulled back so she could see me and really hear me. “When I got in my truck, I was lookingat our book. Remembering how pissed off I got when I read about Fathaniel making the decision to go off without Balboa to protect her.”
She huffed a little laugh. “You said it was bullshit because Balboa is equally as powerful as Fathaniel.” Her fingertips grazed my chin. “You were really pissed off.”
“Yeah…well, he’s an idiot.” I shook my head. “Never thought I’d get steamed up about a book, but you gave me that, Alice. You’ve changed me for the better in a lot of ways, but I’m still me. I’m stubborn to a fault. I get in my head, too internal for my own good. I forget having a conversation would solve a lot of problems.”
“I know you’re not always going to be in the mood to talk, honey. You don’t have to change who you are for me.” She trailed her fingers along my jaw, up to my ear. “But please know you can be quiet with me. I want more than anything to be the person you can lean on. It hurt me that you didn’t think you could do that. Or that you didn’t want to.”
“I want to. I wanteverythingwith you.” My next breath was shaky. The one after was a lot more even. “I have this…backbreaking guilt for allowing the Kent situation to carry on as long as it did. Feel like I failed Jesse in a lot of ways. I hate that he saw what he did last night. Hate you saw it too. I’m pissed I had to take him from Shelby, because despite these circumstances, she’s been a good mom, and our boy loves the hell out of her. But I don’t know if she’ll do the right thing, and I’m fearful of what that’ll mean for Jesse. I don’t want to have to fight her, but I will.”
“I hope you don’t have to do that, but if it comes down to a fight, I’m in your corner.” She cupped the side of my neck and brought her forehead to mine. “Are you in my corner too? I want to be on your team, Cay. We have to be in this together or not at all.”
“Don’t say that,” I growled. “There’s no ‘not at all’ when it comes to us.”
“Then don’t make me feel that way,” she admonished, gentle as a lamb. “It isn’t your fault I’ve been hurt before, and I don’t blame you for me being extra sensitive to rejection. But please be aware I am. When I’m pushed away, I’m immediately taken back to a lifetime of being ignored and cast aside unless I had a use, and I don’t want to go to that place ever again, especially not with you. I’ve begun to think of you as my safe place—”
“I am, Alice. You can think of me that way, because I will be that for you. I’m sorry I let you doubt that for even a second.”
“I forgive you,” she murmured against my temple as she stroked my beard—comforting me when I was the one who’d hurt her. That was who Alice was. It was why I was here, and why I’d never make the mistake of leaving her again. “I know how much you love Jesse, and last night really wrecked you.”
“It did,” I agreed.
