Page 78 of Feels Like the First Time
He held up a silencing hand. “I don’t know what Bridget said to you, but I could never have slept with you if I was still in love with Bridget.”
“You’ve slept with other women,” she said quietly, remembering foolishly how she wanted to know what it felt like to be them, just for a night.
He whipped around. “I slept with other women, but I was always clear where I stood. Just like I was honest with you, sunshine.” Now her nickname sounded like a curse. “Hell, I was more honest with you than I’ve ever been with anyone. I showed you who I was; there should have been no doubt in that.”
“I guess I just got scared,” she explained. “We started out as a joke to mess with Bridget, then it became so real so fast that I started to question where the fake ended and the real began. Then Bridget tells me you’re the reason she’s coming home and I let her get in my head.”
“We started out as friends first.Friends.Who knew each other’s secrets and fears. I let you inside places I never like to visit. So no, Ali, as far as I was concerned, nothing between us was ever fake.” He sounded raw, betrayed.
“I am so sorry I doubted that. That I doubted you,” she said, putting as much apology and regret in her words, even though she knew deep down that it wouldn’t erase the hurt.
Hawk was honest and loyal and one of the best people she’d ever met. If she’d given him the respect and trust he deserved, the trust he’d earned with her over the years, they wouldn’t be here. And he wouldn’t feel so completely devastated—and betrayed.
“You shouldn’t have doubtedus.” He punctuated the word with a hand to his chest. “The old us or the new us. So what if I talked to Bridget? You should have seen that coming the second she realized she was unhappy. But I didn’t support her coming back because she asked me, I did it because having your family together is important to you. It makes you happy. And Jesus, Ali…” His lip quivered and he ran a hand down his face. “All I wanted was to make you happy. From day one. So I came down here to figure out how to do that, how to give you the family you deserve, and still keep you.”
Giving a defeated shrug, Hawk turned to face the ocean. She could see his chest expand as he took in one jerky breath after another.
His anguish cut Ali to her core. She’d been so busy trying not to get hurt, she’d hurt the most important person in her life. Placing one hand on her aching heart, she came up behind him and rested the other on his shoulder. “How could you ever think you’d lose me?”
“I don’t know, Ali,” he said, his voice getting lost over the crash of the waves. “You didn’t want me coming to family dinners until your sister left, didn’t want me at the hospital because it might upset Bridget, who’d upset Marty. You’ve spent the past few years keeping me at a distance because of how it would affect everyone else.
“Well, guess what? The big elephant you never want to talk about is moving home and she will be at every family event, every birthday and special moment, until she moves on to the next thing. But by then, this thing between us will be over, because it won’t work with you trying to live two lives.”
“I’m not trying to live two lives,” she said, willing him to turn around. “I’m just trying to live this one right.”
“I know, sunshine. It’s who you are,” he said, resting his hand over hers, as if he needed the contact to continue. “You know what I told Bridget?” He looked at her over his shoulder, his eyes empty and sad. So damn sad, she tightened her grip. “I told her that I love you, for that same reason. I guess I just hoped that I could be the guy that made your world whole, not the one who tore it apart.”
“But you don’t,” she said fiercely. “You make my world light and fun, and you make me feel alive. I was just so scared that deep down I couldn’t ever be what you really wanted.”
Hawk made a sound as if his body had released everything it had to give, and she felt his shoulders sag, and disappointment roll off him in waves.
“Ali, for someone who knows what it feels like to have her love and her worth discounted, you sure know how to take a guy out at the knees.”
It was in that moment that Ali knew she’d lost him forever, because instead of holding on, he gave her hand a final squeeze and let go.
Ali stood there as he walked up the trail, refusing to blink even when he disappeared into the darkness. But when she heard his motorcycle start, she knew she was truly alone.
She told herself to hold it together until she got back to her apartment, but her legs gave way on her first step and she crumbled to the ground. The rocks biting into her knees, the sand rubbing her hands raw. She dropped her head to her chest and let the tears fall.
Hawk had put his heart in her hands and instead of holding tight—she’d crushed it. Right along with any hope of forever.
