Page 80 of Feels Like the First Time
“Better?” Gail asked, her eyes full of concern.
“I think so.” Ali went to sit up, then changed her mind. “Maybe another minute.”
“Take as long as you need, that was some release there,” Gail said. “You had me worried.”
“I had myself worried,” Ali admitted, finally feeling as if she could sit up and not fall over. But she didn’t go far, leaning against the wall next to her mom.
“Why did you leave Dad?”
Gail let out a deep breath. “There were a lot of reasons, but I guess the biggest one was that we stopped talking. There’s a seven-year gap between us, so I was married young, had you girls young, and we were so busy trying to keep our heads above water, we stopped working at it.”
“Did you start doubting he loved you?” Ali asked.
Gail laughed. “Sugar, with a man like Marty, one never has to guess at his feelings, the guy loves like every day is his last.” No wonder why Hawk and her dad were such good friends. “But the longer we were together, the more I realized just how different we were. We had different ideas on just about everything, and when it came to some things, neither of us would back down.”
“Things like me and Bridget?” Ali asked. She’d been more than aware as a child that having kids had been the biggest strain on their marriage. Marty had wanted more, and Gail was struggling to keep up with two. Looking back, Ali realized her mother hadn’t been old enough to drink, but she’d had two babies in diapers.
“Yeah, he was such a natural father that it felt at times as if he didn’t have room for a partner, or maybe he wanted another kind of partner.”
Gail was never going to win Mother of the Year, but before the divorce, she’d been loving and attentive, and then it had suddenly stopped. “Then why didn’t you just ask him?”
“I was afraid of what he’d say,” Gail said. “And fear is a powerful motivator.”
It had ruled Ali’s life. Look at the mess she’d caused because she was too scared to believe that Hawk could really love her. If Ali was being honest, and that’s what this moment seemed to demand, besides her father, she’d allowed fear to taint every relationship in her life.
It had kept her from making bonds, taking chances, and finding happiness. It had kept her from her family. From finding love.
And that needed to stop.
“Why did you take Bridget and leave me?”
Gail turned her head to look at Ali. “Oh, sugar, is that what you think?”
Ali shrugged. “You divorced and then you just stopped coming around.”
“It was hard seeing your dad, watching you grow up between rotating weekends and holidays. The older you got, the more roots you planted here, and the less frequent the visits. You’d always seem so sad when you came, and I never knew what to say to make it right. Until it was easier not to say anything.”
All this time, Ali thought her mother hadn’t been interested in building their relationship. Didn’t have room in her life for a daughter who was so different. The truth was, Ali hadn’t made an effort either. She could have found a common ground if she’d really wanted to. Looking back at all the wasted time, she wished she had.
“I was a handful on those trips.”
Gail looked crestfallen. “No, that’s on me, not you. Your dad and I fought and fought over custody, and I knew he wasn’t going to let you go. Rather than lose both of my girls, I gave in. But as you grew up and I saw the strong woman you were becoming, I knew that he’d been right. Marty’s love is freeing; mine can be controlling. The way he was with you was something beautiful to watch. You needed him. So much…I couldn’t take that from you.”
Wasn’t that exactly what Hawk had said? That she was so fixated on the love she’d lost, she was discounting the love that was right there in front of her. Marty had loved Ali for exactly who she was in every moment. Encouraged her to be bold, be herself. So tangible and pure, Ali never had to question its authenticity.
Her heart sank, because that was exactly what she’d done to Hawk. Questioned his love. By focusing on the small stuff, she missed what was really important. Hawk may have never said the word, but his love was always right there, whenever she needed it. Given freely, without expectations or obligations.
Gail tucked a piece of hair behind Ali’s ear; it was a motherly gesture that soothed her core. Ali rested her head on her mom’s shoulder and watched the sun dance off the kitchen floor. “I’m glad you’re here, Mom.”
“I was going to wait until you called to say you needed me,” Gail said. “Then feared you’d never call. So I decided to come over just in case you did.”
“I know I’m not the best at asking for help, but I needed you here.”
“I love to be needed, especially by my daughters.” Gail pressed a kiss to the top of Ali’s head. “With Bridget, I never have to guess. That girl calls me to help her pick out her shoes. But with you, I never know. You’re so independent and sure all the time…” Gail took a deep breath. “I want to know what the right move is with you, but I hardly ever get it right.”
Ali wasn’t trying to hold people at a distance; she just didn’t want them to feel obligated to come to her side. If they were there, she wanted it to be because they wanted to be. But maybe her mother needed the same assurances.
Ali tilted her head up and met her mom’s uncertain gaze. “How about you just ask me?”
