Page 55 of Every Little Kiss
“It isn’t the lost ones that get to me.”Much.“It’s the not knowing that I can’t let go of. I never get to see how my call or decision plays out over the long run,” he explained, because while Liv was also a protector, she had the benefit of watching them check out of the hospital.
First responders weren’t allowed that luxury. The second the ambulance pulls away, the story ends. Ford never knew if they made it to the hospital alive or how their lives went after they were released.
Being able to turn off when he clocked out was imperative for job longevity. Ford used to be able to flick that switch without hesitation. But most nights as of late, he couldn’t manage to find the dimmer.
“You care,” Liv said. “That’s a good thing.”
Ford looked up at the trees overhead and blew out a breath. “Sometimes I think I care too much.”
“Not possible.” She stepped into him until they were as close as one could get to a hug without moving their arms. “Your caring helped that family find closure.”
He shook his head. “A body for the casket isn’t closure. That kid and his mom will never be the same.”
“No,” she said, resting her other hand on his arm. “They won’t, but I can tell you from experience that they will find a new path. It may take a while, but it will happen. It’s taken me two years to get to this point.” Liv paused to take a breath. “I lost my husband in a car accident.”
“I know,” he admitted quietly. Just like he knew this was the time to come clean. He couldn’t sit by and let her talk about her loss without being honest about his role in it. “I’m so sorry, Liv. I don’t know what to say to make this easier, but—”
“You don’t have to say anything,” she assured him, placing a finger on his lips. “Most of the time I don’t know what to say, which is why I haven’t brought it up. I like that you don’t treat me different or look at me like I’m broken. It gives me the freedom to explore this new path, just like that mom and son will eventually explore theirs. And someday they’ll even find peace with it.”
“Have you?” he asked, desperate to see how her answer would change things. “Have you found peace?”
“Most days,” she said. “In fact, one more step to go, and research assures me I will be back to normal. Whatevernormaleven is.”
“How about today?”
Liv’s lashes fluttered closed and she inhaled, her chest slowly rising and then holding. After a long moment, she opened her eyes and breathed, “Yes.”
Ford couldn’t explain what happened next, only that one moment they were talking and the next they weren’t. Oh, there was plenty being said, just not with words. Liv’s hand was no longer on his arm, but on his chest, and her back was pressed against the trunk of an oak tree.
His hands? Well, they were braced above her head. To an outside observer, it would appear as if he were caging her in, but the truth was, she was pulling him to her.
“Remind me again what step four is.” Because Liv looked as if she were reconsidering her stance.
“Why?”
“I’m pretty sure it has something to do with what’s happening right now.”
Liv looked down at her hand, which had dropped a few inches south, and her breath caught. “Step four is taking the emotional energy I would have spent on Sam and reinvesting it in a new relationship,” she said, as if reciting it from an article.
But her hands didn’t move, he noticed.
“It’s the hardest step, because it’s saying I’m ready to move on, and that sounds disloyal. But it’s also the most important step.”
There wasn’t much Ford wouldn’t give to reinvest all the energy he focused on the past into a future with Liv. Hell, one night would go a long way toward soothing his soul. She was warm and open and one of the sexiest women he’d ever met. When he wasn’t around her, all he could think about was seeing her. And when he was with her, he couldn’t stomach the idea of leaving.
“You said earlier that you aren’t ready for step four.”
“I did?”
Ford was pretty sure she meant to word it as a statement and not a question. “Then why do you look like you want me to kiss you?”
“Do I?” she whispered, and that was definitely a question. He could see the conflict in her eyes, right below the nerves. Oh, and there was another emotion, potent and tempting as hell, lighting those golden pools. Need. There was a hell of a lot of need.
“Yeah, you do,” he said, for her as much as himself. Liv’s gaze dropped to his mouth, and Ford’s heart hammered so hard he had a hard time thinking clearly. And he’d promised Liv that everything they did would be clearheaded. “So I need you to tell me that you aren’t ready for this.”
Because they were on the edge of something dangerous, something so combustible all it would take was one spark to ignite. And with his history with women, it was bound to burn hot and fast. But, man, he wanted some of that fire.
“Step four is about a new relationship.” She looked up at him through her lashes. “It doesn’t say anything about kissing.” And on that last word, her eyes zeroed in on his lips and—fuck me—she wanted him to kiss her.
