Page 67 of Hopeless Romantic
“Terrifying, you mean. I’m still coming to terms with leaving this summer when Paisley decides she suddenly wanted to go on this upcoming school ski trip, which I had actually encouraged her to go on. Don’t know what I was thinking there.”
“That going on the trip with her friends and being excited about something new shows that she’s moving on with her life. I think it’s a good idea.”
“I did too,” he said. “Only now, all I can think of is what if something goes wrong and I was the one who pushed her to go. And if Gray gets his wish, I won’t even be a chaperone. I’ll be at some bachelor party.”
“Earlier you said I was capable—”
“I said you were the most capable person I know,” he amended.
A warm tint crept up the tips of Beckett’s ears—and spread to places she usually kept locked away. Dark places that she was afraid to shine a light on.
“I’m capable because at one time I felt powerless,” she said, hating the sour feeling that burned in her stomach whenever she spoke of her mother. “When I was a little younger than Paisley, I found myself in a situation I was completely ill-equipped to handle. I promised myself I’d never let that happen again. And it hasn’t, but constantly battling everyone and everything for power is exhausting.”
“And I imagine lonely.”
“It can be,” she said, her voice thick with emotion. “It can also be healing, if handled correctly. And with you in Paisley’s corner, she might win a little freedom to leave the nest. It could be a good thing.”
“Somehow I don’t think that’s how it happened for you,” he said. His blue eyes, now stormy and deliberate, never wavered from hers.
“No. Mine was more of the ‘aim for the leaves on your way down’ kind of experience,” she said, hiding behind humor.
Levi didn’t let her. His arms came all the way around her so he could lace his fingers with hers. “I love that you’re strong and resilient, but I can’t help but worry about the woman inside the tough-girl jacket.”
“Me too, sometimes.” Her throat closed, because she’d never admitted that aloud to anyone. Including herself.
Maybe it was that she was staring at the sky, or the intimate way the night had settled around them, but there was an easy calm about Levi that soothed her fears and made her feel safe.
“A few months after Thomas was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder, my dad was in New York scoring a soundtrack for a movie. Leaving my mom alone to raise two kids over summer vacation. Judy did her best to keep us entertained, lots of day trips and hiking, but I think the reality of what life was going to be like eventually wore her down.
“One day, after hiking, we stopped by the grocery store on the way home. Thomas was asleep in his car seat, and she said she’d only be a minute. Only it wasn’t a minute, and the longer I waited, the more anxious I became and the hotter the car grew, until I knew I needed to find her. But she’d left me in charge of Thomas, so I couldn’t leave him alone. He was only three. Plus, if I woke him up and put him in a bad mood, it would only cause more stress for Judy. I didn’t know which decision was right. So I waited.”
“She just left you in the car with a toddler?” He sounded horrified. “Didn’t anyone passing by stop to help?”
“Not until Thomas woke up and started crying. That got some attention, but when people asked if we were okay, I said we were fine. Partly because Judy always told me that Tommy’s condition was no one else’s business, but mainly I wanted them to leave, because I was embarrassed. About his crying, my inability to soothe him, and that someone in my family had ASD. Judy was in such denial, words like ‘autism’ or ‘spectrum disorder’ weren’t allowed.”
She took a painful breath as the sensations from that day came rushing back. The suffocating heat filling lungs, panic and the sweet floral scent of her mom’s perfume, the haunted look in Judy’s eyes before she climbed out of the car. Mostly, though, she felt the burn of embarrassment, which had since turned to shame.
“I was more embarrassed by my baby brother’s behavior than my mother’s,” she admitted roughly. “How messed up is that?”
“You were a kid yourself.”
“I was old enough to know better. And old enough not to let Tommy sit in the hot car for over three hours, while I waited for someone who knew about him to exit the store.” It was one of Judy’s friends, who wasn’t all that surprised when the store manager confirmed Beckett’s biggest fear, that her mother wasn’t inside. “By that time, Judy was well on her way to Florida.”
“Jesus, couldn’t she wait until your dad wasn’t gone?”
“If it makes you feel any better, my dad was always gone back then. He was a pretty crappy husband, always working or in his head. She’s a decade my dad’s junior and was barely twenty-one when they got married. Jeffery was already a successful musician who promised her a life full of travel, movie openings, and pampering. Then she got pregnant with me, and Jeffery stuck her in a small house in suburbia, while he went to the openings, and didn’t understand why she was miserable.”
“Then she should have divorced Jeffery. Not abandoned her kids in a parking lot.”
“I don’t think Judy was cut out for motherhood, especially to a special needs kid.”
His deep blue eyes never left hers. “That’s not an excuse.”
“When Thomas got older, I realized that she’d done us a favor, leaving before he became attached,” she said. “Because she would have left eventually. Looking back, I think she was trying to keep it together until Jeffery got home from his trip. The night before she left, I overheard her talking on the phone. She said Jeffery had added another week to his trip. She feared that he’d go on one of his trips and decide never to come back, leaving her alone to deal with everything.”
“So instead, she left you alone with Thomas? To deal with everything.” He kissed her forehead. “I can’t even imagine what that was like for you.”
Those first few years, balancing high school, Thomas’s needs, and her dad’s depression over losing his wife, had been stressful, triggering a lifetime of panic attacks. Terrified her dad might leave, or Thomas would be taken away by the state, Beckett had picked up whatever slack necessary to keep their family together. Eventually, the Hayeses moved to Rome, and they found a new rhythm, but glitches from the past still haunted her.
