Page 75 of Definitely (Maybe) Dating
“Mom showed up today asking for Darcy,” Gage said. “She had a new set of bed sheets wrapped up with a bow. Told Darcy it was a family tradition for the mother of the groom to provide wedding sheets for the honeymoon.”
Josh did his best not to laugh. “Mom’s cock blocking you on your own wedding night?”
Rhett shivered. “Can we please not use those words in the same sentence?”
“Laugh it up. There’s more.” Gage leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.
“And since you started this tidal wave, it’s your job to fix it.”
Josh wasn’t sure exactly how to solve cock blocking sheets, but since Gage’s tone gave him the feeling that this would be a big-brother-saves-the-day kind of talk, Josh decided to take that seat.
“Remember that advice you gave me?You come on the road with me, and I’ll fly out to see you,”Rhett said in his best Josh voice, then leaned in real close. So close Josh could see the crazy flash in his brother’s eyes. “I’ve spent the past thirty-six hours in the air to spend two hours with Steph while she was getting her makeup up done for some shoot. Instead of sayingHoney, this surprise is so thoughtful; let’s go have sex,she said,I wish you would have called first, since I have a mixer with other influencers tonight and I don’t want to be overshadowed by you. So rain check? Now, go jack off in the shower like you do every night because you’re married to a jet setter and your balls are about to permanently retire.”
“You think that’s bad,” Owen said. “Mom told me that she wanted to work at the bar three nights a week. Do you know what will happen to my sex life if she starts working there? It will fall on hard times. My sex deficit with collapse.”
“The funny thing is? Everything she’s doing she said is to spark joy. Any idea where she got that idea?” Gage asked.
Oh boy.“So I may have mentioned that, between Darcy and Steph, the family is growing, and that’s a good thing. She just needed to go with the flow instead of fighting it head on.”
“Which explains why we’re all here,” Owen said. “In addition to changing the cocktail menu, she dropped that she’s decided to move in with me.”
They all laughed. Well, except Owen who looked ready to punch someone. “I woke up this morning and found her folding my underwear.”
Gage bellowed, “Been there! My advice? Shut it down, Bro.
“Oh, I shut it down.” He looked at Clay. “I told her that Clay missed home so maybe she should go to Seattle for a few weeks.”
“Not happening,” Clay said. “I’m planning on meeting up with a cute flight attendant I met on the way here.”
“Good luck finding the time because she’s already packed. And she has plans to spend quality time with each one of you,” Owen announced to the room, and they all groaned.
It wasn’t that they didn’t love their mom, but when she set her mind of a task, she went all in. And right then, the last thing Josh needed was his mom going all in with his private life. Piper startled easily and was already wary of Margo and anything family related. And how could he blame her? Her life hadn’t been conducive to overbearing relatives who meant well. Or the kind of family dynamics where love always prevailed, even if it did include a little smothering.
“Hang on,” Clay, always the prevailing wind of reason, said. “Did she say why the sudden need to be all up in everyone’s lives?”
“No. Just that it would spark joy.” Everyone looked at Josh. “You want to tell me how she spends one afternoon with you then goes off on some Marie Kondo journey that is screwing with our lives?”
Josh felt his stomach bottom out. Followed by his chest. Out of all the talks they’d had over the years, why had she decided to listen this time? “I only encouraged her to embrace new things.”
“Things like helping you get laid?” Gage asked. “Because you getting laid is putting a serious cramp on the rest of us.”
Josh was delirious. He had to be. Because it took everything he had not to laugh. Or point out that screaming about wedding sheets and sex deficits while strategizing how to handle their five-foot mother like she was the leader of a terrorist cell was ridiculous. Then again, Josh was wearing black and white wingtip socks that looked like dancing shoes.
“I’ll talk to her.”
“Can you do that before she gives Darcy a copy ofIt Starts with the Egg?” Gage asked.
“Or buys Littleshit a sibling. Last night I was at her house and I caught her googling Cockapoo breeders in Portland. I also found a collar in the present closet.”
“You know not to go in the present closet. Ever,” Owen said like they were five and scared that Santa would skip their house. “And how do you know it’s for you?”
“Prancy was engraved in the tag.”
“Fancy and Prancy?” Owen snorted.
“There was also a pack of guitar boxers. Glow in the dark.” Rhett’s fingers made like explosions.
All four brothers looked at Clay, who shrugged. “What can I say? I’m the favorite. By the time Mom gets through the four of you guys, I’m smooth sailing.”
