Page 40 of You Wish
“A lot happened that day. You stopped talking to me.”
“Because I didn’t want to be a burden! I didn’t want me and mybaggageto stand in the way of your career, which is what your sister said.”
Suddenly, it all came rushing back. Rachel getting on him for missing the day before a race to hang out with Georgia and Connor. He missed the team meeting to spend the night with Georgia in his arms.
“You need to be focused. We’ve come too far for you to get distracted now by some girl.”
“She isn’t a girl,” he’d said. “She’s my girl.”
“Do you want to throw away the opportunity to show Meemaw and Grandpa that all their sacrifices were worth it?”
That had been the punch to the gut. They’d given up their golden years to raise him and their retirement so he could chase what was a once-in-a-million dream. And he’d made it—they’d made it. And he didn’t want to let them down. So he’d agreed.
And she’d overheard.
He couldn’t imagine how that must have made her feel. She lost her brother, her mom, and her boyfriend all in the span of a few hours.
“You were right though,” she said. “We were so wrapped up in each other that we neglected what was important. My brother died because I was being selfish. I knew he wasn’t feeling well when I left for your house. But my mom said she could handle it.”
“Darlin’, you couldn’t have known,” he said quietly, offering her as much support as he could when her walls were erected so high.
“But I did. I always knew he could go at any time. That one infection could end his life. Then I came to find you and I realized that my life is too complicated for most people.”
“I’m not most people.”
“You lied to me about our relationship. About how I was distracting you from your dream.”
“I am sorry.” He took her hand in his. “I was a twenty-year-old asshole on top of the world. I was so busy pleasing my family and coach and trying to prove to my dad that I had what it takes. I let them influence my decisions and for that I am so sorry.” He shook his head. “Did you hate me?”
She laced their fingers. The moon was full, casting a silver glow through the trees and branches. A beam cut across his face, like a spotlight exposing the genuineness of his statement.
“I don’t hate you, Jake. I never did.”
A big whoosh of air stumbled out of his mouth, his chest deflating as if it had been overstuffed with emotion for the last decade.
“Did you hate me?” she asked quietly, not sure if she wanted the answer. But the words were already out, hanging in the air like an ornament on a Douglas fir.
“I tried to. I really did. And even though I thought you ghosted me because I had told you that I loved you, I still couldn’t find my way to hate. No matter how hard I tried.”
“You thought I left because you professed your love?”
“What else was I supposed to think? I said it and you didn’t say it back. Then the next morning all that was left was your scent on my pillow. And if I still wasn’t sure, when you blocked me on social media and your phone I had my answer.”
She realized how hard that must have been for him. “I am so sorry and if I could go back I would have done the respectful thing and given you a conversation. But then Connor was gone. My mom bailed. And I didn’t have time to process another loss.”
“It was just like my parents all over again. They rarely told me they loved me and when they did it was in front of people. When I was little, all I wanted was to be with them. But by the time I turned eight I realized that my home wasn’t with them. It was with my grandparents.”
“I imagine it still hurts.”
“Of course. Especially since it was so easy for them to keep Rachel. But with them I was able to reach that hate part of grieving. It helped me overcome the betrayal. But even now, when my dad shows up for a race, I find myself trying to impress the guy who left me behind.”
“That’s normal—to want the approval of a parent, no matter how much they’ve hurt us.”
“Is that how it is with your mom?”
“With my mom, I stopped wishing for her approval when she gave up on Connor. I figured that if she could turn her back on that incredible kid then her inability to provide healthy love was her problem. Not mine.” She took a beat. “Are your parents coming to Christmas?”
He snorted. “I haven’t spent a Christmas with them since I moved in with Nic and Joy. And even though I was hurt and confused, looking back, it was exactly what I needed.”
