Page 57 of Holiday at Home
Or, better stated,aproblem,nonetheless.
Silence embraces us, not awkward or harsh, but gentle and warm, like sinking into a bath at the end of a long day. Simon’s fingers trace lazy circles over my bare shoulder. His breath rustles in my hair. He presses a kiss into the top of my head, humming in pleasure. And just like that, my heart is heavy with the weight of what once was, what is, and what’s sure to come.
“I’ve loved every moment of the last couple weeks with you.” Simon’s words are quiet, thoughtful. “I know this is justsupposed to be a little fun, but this has been really special for me.”
I want to read so much more into his statement than is there, but that would be foolish.
He said it himself.
We’re just having fun together.
Nothing more. Nothing less.
“It’s been really great.” I flip onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. “It was like a preview into what our life might have been like if things had gone differently.” I swallow around a lump in my throat, embarrassed by its presence, hoping Simon doesn’t hear.
Of course he does.
Nothing ever gets by him.
“Hey, hey, hey,” he says, sitting up to brush hair out of my face. “What’s that about?”
I shake my head and burrow back into his chest, wishing we could rewind, back to when everything was quiet, when this, whatever it is, was happy and light and fun. When I felt safer, better, just because he was with me.
“I’ve loved having you here,” I say quietly. “I loved working with you at Sterling’s. I’ve loved this preview so much, Simon.”
“I feel like there’s a ‘but’ hanging off the end of that sentence.”
“But…” I add with a laugh, “I don’t know. The way things ended the last time? It walloped me. I thought we’d made it through the challenge of you going to college, of living so far apart, and that we were… everything was gonna…”
How can I tell him what he already knows?
He knowsI was devastated when he chose to stay in New York.
He knowshe took the coward’s way out by waiting so long to tell me.
He knowsthat I loved him, that I’d built my life around the two of us spending forever together.
But does he know I never stopped loving him?
Does he know that this week has resurrected the hope of a future that cannot be?
Does he know I’m terrified I’ll be more devastated than the first time when he leaves again?
Shouldhe know?
Is it fair to put that on him when I entered into this relationship knowing how it would end?
Simon shifts, holding me tighter. I can hear his heartbeat through his ribs. He swallows hard and sighs deeply.
“I wish I could take all that back, Violet. I was young and selfish and stupid. You deserved so much better than who I was and how I treated you.”
He shifts, pressing up on one elbow, cupping my face and staring deeply into my eyes. “I am incredibly sorry to have treated you so badly. Will you forgive me?”
I nod, then mirror his posture, my hair falling over my shoulder, my heart falling into his. “So where does that leave us?”
“I promise I won’t let you get walloped again.”
What does that mean?
