Page 14 of Finally Forever
To know my friends are doing well now and have the lives I’d hoped for them leaves me content and with less guilt. Neither of them knows I’m alive. I’ve kept it that way despite wanting to reach out multiple times. Even knowing the shortcomings of this lifestyle as well as I do, it doesn’t keep me from longing for old friends. I suppose that’s what Ainsley is feeling right now.
“I’m sorry,” I say.
“For what?” Her hair blows in her face, and she tucks some strands behind her ears.
“That you saw him and are getting hopeful. It doesn’t change anything, though. You can’t communicate with him any further. I’ll be monitoring things and ready to move us at once if word escapes about his run in with you.”
Anger darkens her eyes. She pushes me away and hops down from the ledge. “This is ridiculous. We’ve been safe for months. Wearesafe. No one knows where we are or that you’re alive. I don’t want to move. This didn’t ruin things, and it won’t matter if I see him again, if only to explain that I can’t see him ever again.”
“Ainsley, you have to understand, seeing him will only make it worse for you. For the situation. For him.” I track her as she paces in front of the railing on the terrace. God, she’s gorgeous when she’s angry.
“Sebastian!” she shouts in frustration, then glances around, afraid someone might have heard her and will recognize who I am, which is an old habit of hers, but insane. This house is too secluded for anyone to have heard her.
She walks closer to me and catches my gaze with pleading eyes. “I just want to see him one more time. I won’t tell him anything, even though I don’t know how to explain that yet, but I want him to help me shop for a dress. Is that too much to ask for?”
I hate that she’s begging and desperate for a friend. But I can’t risk our lives, her life, or her friend’s life. How would she feel if something happened to him? She’d hate herself like I hate myself in this moment.
“I’m sorry, but I forbid it.”
She gasps. “Forbid? I’m not a prisoner.”
“No. But you’re under protection. My protection. So is Lowell. I will do whatever is necessary to keep you safe from harm, and from yourself, and to keep your friends safe.”
She stomps and swings around, her long hair flapping behind her in the breeze. After staring at the sea for a few moments, her breathing calms and her posture softens.
“I’ve never asked for anything or complained,” she says in an even tone, her back to me. “I have nothing to ask for or to complain about. Until I saw Lowell, I didn’t realize how badly I missed something from my old life, but it is more than that. I want a friend to share my bridal experience with. I want someone who knows me, who will support me, and who wants what’s best for me.
“You said we should always be honest, so I am. I don’t see the harm in involving him. In the beginning, when we were still under the protection of the feds, I could understand. Everything was fresh and new. But we’ve been on our own for a while now. Agent Clark hasn’t alerted us to anything new in months. I can swear Lowell to secrecy. He’ll do it. Is it really too much to ask for this small friendship with him, no matter how short of a time it is?”
I close the distance between us, my heart breaking for her, and touch her arms. I kiss her head. “I’m sorry. The rules only work when we stick to them. That’s why we’ve been safe. That’s how we’ll stay safe.”
I feel her tense beneath me. Her breath hitches, and she sniffles.
“Ainsley, please try to understand I can give you anything but this.” I press my body against hers from behind, attempting to soothe her however I can.
She cries more, and I almost push her away just to set her free from all this. I would if I believed that’s what she wanted. I don’t. She wants me. I know she does. She wants us. She just wants her friend, too. In time, it’ll pass. Maybe it’ll be easier if we move somewhere farther away and less tempting.
I kiss the top of her head again and wrap my arms around her waist. “I’m so sorry. I hate that you’re hurting because of this.”Because of me.
“It’s fine. I get it.” She pulls from my embrace and walks into the house, her head down.
She doesn’t get it, though. She’s never seen what my father and grandfather can do without lifting a finger. They have men everywhere, ready to do their dirty work. Ready to break bones, faces, and shoot to kill, if ordered. These men don’t have hearts. They’re like robotic assassins. If my father knew I was alive and had fooled him all this time, there would be a slow, torturous hell to pay. He’d involve my grandfather, who he hates, just to have his support against me and his manpower. It would be war, and the best way to get to me is through Ainsley. The best way to get to her is through her friends. She doesn’t see the connection. She doesn’t fear it like she should. I’ve sheltered her from as much as I can. But you can’t know what you’ve never experienced.
When Marina, my ex-fiancée—who I never wanted to marry—kidnapped Ainsley and held her hostage to get to me, she was playing more than anything. Yes, she had a gun. We grew up with guns. She wouldn’t have killed anyone, least of all me. She’s dangerous and not above inflicting harm, but she’s not a murderer. Fortunately, she and her family aren’t threats anymore now that she turned on her father.
Xavier, who has connections to feds, informed me of detrimental changes in the Morello crime family caused by Marina. I haven’t told Ainsley about this yet. I only just learned about it myself. Now wouldn’t be a good time to bring it up. She’d see it as a positive and use it as a reason to build a relationship with Lowell, which is why I can’t give in on this.
Ainsley claims she isn’t hungry at dinnertime, so I eat alone. I have Estella take her a tray of food to the art studio, where she’s been holed up, avoiding me.
If time away from me is what she needs, I’ll give it to her, even though my insides crave to fix this between us. Before going to bed, I have another glass of wine, hoping to dull the ache at the back of my head where my scar is. Nothing seems to work anymore, and it’s getting worse. My vision blurs as I sit on the couch in the giant great room. Should I let Ainsley have this? Maybe it won’t affect things. Maybe we’ll stay safe, and her friend will, too.
But what if it backfires? Can I risk it, risk her safety and our future so she can have a moment with her friend? That’s all it will be. We have Xavier. He’s the best at protection and intel. I could run it by him and see if he has any suggestions. Maybe he’ll agree with Ainsley. Maybe not, but I have to try. For her. I can’t bear to see her so sad. I have to try.
My head throbs, the pain radiating from the back to the front. My eyes feel like they’re being pushed from their sockets. I’ll rest for a moment and then find Xavier. Or I could sleep and see him in the morning. He might be sleeping, too. I need to make it to the bed and to Ainsley, but the pain is too distracting. I can’t even see. Fuck. I should have gone to the doctor last week. I promised Ainsley I would. I’ll go tomorrow first thing. Then I’ll talk to Xavier about Ainsley meeting up with Lowell.
6
Ainsley
